Insomniac Movie Rundown

Last weekend the husband and I did a double feature: DaVinci Code, followed by Lake House. I'll keep it short, since I want to talk about other movies, too.

DaVinci Code: If it's still at the theater in your area, and you still haven't seen it but are thinking about it, allow me to save you some money by telling you to wait until it's available on DVD. Don't get me wrong, it's not horribly bad. It's just...you don't gain anything by seeing it on a large screen versus a smaller screen. The acting is not superior, even though it IS Tom Hanks. And the car chase scene? Ugh. The camera work in that scene is simply terrible! Whoever directed that (and I'm guessing it was second unit, as most action scenes are) seemed to believe that shots of a tiny car driving backwards and crazy in the narrow streets of Paris is not enough to keep us on the edge of our seats. No, you need to shake up the camera to shake up the audience, or at least that's what these people think. Personally, I was glad I didn't have epilepsy like my best friend, because I surely would have had a seizure from the strobe-like effect of this scene.

Lake House: You know, I've defended this movie (clearly, critics hate it) and encouraged people to give it a chance. But the fact is, I was happy with it because I only wanted two things from it: to see a romance that might make me cry, and to ogle Keanu Reeves. If you want some sort of cultural experience from your films, then you need to skip this and head to the Anjelika. If you want to see nude/shirtless people, go see X-Men 3. If you're a girl, and you want to cry, or look at Keanu in all his hot-40-year-old-in-a-turtleneck glory, come right here. Truthfully, you should not expect more than that. There are some gaping plotholes, and while you might be able to overlook them for the hour and half while you watch, you won't be able to get over them once you get to the car and start thinking about it. I won't go into it, lest I spoil the movie for you. I will say, ladies, leave the men at home, because they will not enjoy it as much as you, and will feel as though they've paid $17 for idiocy. Go with some girlfriends so that you can weep freely.

Doogal: Available on DVD. It's premise, that a band of animals must travel the world in search of magic diamonds in order to imprison an evil ice wizard, is more or less a cartoon version of Lord of the Rings. In fact, there are numerous references to Lord of the Rings, as well as The Matrix, Bend it Like Beckham, and heaven knows what else. You know how Shrek and Shrek 2 do a few little bits to parody whatever new movies have come out recently? Doogal does the same thing, only it never ends, and the material doesn't have to be "recent" or even "from this decade." There's a Bone Thugs N Harmony joke in there that I found especially amusing, because I recall a time when that was all my brother listened to for a solid year. The memory of his stereo blasting all hours of the day and night still sends annoying signals to the rest of my body. This movie did scare my kids at first, but when they sat in my lap to watch it, there was no problem. We rented it, but most likely will not buy it. Note to the casting director: casting Jon Stewart of The Daily Show as the villain was genius. Casting Whoopi Goldberg as the cow was not. Y'all really need to pick a voice that fits the character, not the voice that everyone will recognize whether it serves the character or not. You're basically paying bookoos of money for someone to mess up your movie for you.

Insomniac Movie Review: Cars

Title: Cars
Starring: Luke Wilson, Paul Freakin' Newman!, Bonnie Hunt (her third Pixar movie), Richard Petty (as a car painted Petty Blue, no less), Cheech Marin, and Larry the Cable Guy (this is the first time I've ever heard his voice and not wanted to rip my own ears off)
MPAA Rating: G

Plot Summary: Your standard jerk-who-looks-down-on-everyone-finds-himself-a-fish-out-of-water-and-learns-the-true-meaning-of-friendship story, with a hint of finding-a-hidden-treasure-and-learning-its-value and a dash of helping-old-things-become-new-again. Oh, and a little pinch of romance, but not enough to make the kids groan.

Okay, so it's a kids movie, but one the parents can enjoy without getting bored (coughCuriousGeorgecough). A Pixar film, no less. Do you really need more of a reason to schlep the kiddies out to the box office? You do? Okay, I'll lay it out for you.

1. The story is good. It's not The Incredibles, I'll grant you, but Pixar has always been in service of the story. Yes, it's predictable, but it's still good, it still entertains, and it still rings true. And really, it's only predictable to adults because we're old fogeys who've seen too many movies. To a child, it's all new.
2. The jokes work for everyone. My husband has been going on and on about them. Non-stop. Since Tuesday. No kidding.
3. Paul Newman! Seriously! You can't love movies and not see something with Paul Newman in it. It's against the law in 49 states and the District of Columbia.
4. The animation is simply amazing. I'm not kidding. From the very beginning of the film, Pixar animators do things that trick the eyes. These people have gotten so good, I almost forgot I was looking at CG animation in some places. If for no other reason than to marvel at man's accomplishment in technology and artistry, you should see this movie. And I can tell you right now, watching the DVD on my 25" TV screen will not do justice the the sights in this movie. To be fully appreciated, this movie simply MUST be seen on a cinema screen. Or, possibly, on my sis-in-law's digital projector screen that takes up her whole living room wall.
5. Larry the Cable Guy, for once in his life, makes things better and funnier with his presence. I know, I couldn't believe it either! But it's true! He really works in this movie. Granted it's not such a stretch for Larry to play a character who is, basically, a total goober. But he's not raunchy or disgusting here, which instantly makes him 20 times more likeable.
6. Tractor tipping. Weirdest thing ever, but so funny.
7. You know how when you get caught up in watching a NASCAR race, and you start getting bored and secretly hope for a car crash to break the monotony, but then you feel all bad about wishing that an innocent person would have a crash? You can totally wish for an accident in this movie and not feel guilty, because it's a cartoon.
8. This movie will fill you with nostalgia. I sat there wishing I could go back to these old places, these small towns. I was ready to plan out a road trip to San Antonio by way of US90, just to see what kind of places I would spot along the way.
9. Cars already have personality; you see a minivan, you assign an impression of the person who drives it, like "Soccer mom." This movie is just the natural progression of an accepted idea.
10. The cartoon short "One Man Band" is hilarious. Make sure you get to the theater early!
11. The ending credits cracked us all up. Watch them! Don't miss out!
12. Did I mention Paul Newman?

Take your kids to see this movie. You'll get no peace in the house until you do, and you know it. Also, Pixar deserves the money. They put on a good show.

Big Brother at the Photo Lab

You'd have to be stupid to take pictures of your naked body, send the film to a 2-day or mail-away photo lab, and not expect someone other than yourself to see your glory (or shame, as the case may be).

But you'd be an absolute idiot to send that same film to a 1-hour photo lab.

The tech who takes your film? She's probably the one who will actually stick her hands into the black box and pull your film out of its nifty little plastic canister to dip it in developer fluid. She will probably be the one who sticks the film into the machine, where it uses those film negatives to produce pictures in just a few short minutes. She will look through every single photo, checking that each one has developed properly into whatever it's supposed to look like. Anything that is all grey, or excessively blurry, etc., will be thrown away. She will see these nude photos. She will see the face (if there is one) that goes with the body. So when you come back to pick up those pictures, she will instantly know the most intimate details of your anatomy.

Furthermore, she knows who you are, has your name and phone number written on that little envelope you handed her, and have the rest of your info if you pay with plastic. She can track you down and stalk you if she really wants to. And heaven help you if your tech is a big burly dude who doesn't understand "boundaries."

And finally, in case you think that tech will be the only one to see the pictures and probably won't make a big deal out of it, I can assure you that the opposite is true. That tech will either keep the original photos and not give them to you at all, or print extra copies unbeknownst to you. The pictures will be kept in a special little box that is filled with the nude photos from other customers who've been so foolish in the past. These pictures will occasionally be passed around the store for all to see. If you're lucky, most of the store clerks will be like me and not want to see that raunchy crap, and will not look in the box. Unfortunately, for every clerk like me, there are five clerks who are not like me, and will at least give a cursory glance if not a full inspection of all the nude pics. Furthermore, store management will most likely occasionally take the box and empty it of its contents, to either be shredded or kept in the manager's private collection.

Trust me on this. You really don't want to get stares every time you walk into your favorite photo lab.

Author's note: My experience in this matter is limited to my previous employment at a Wal-Mart in the 1990s, when I was told it was store policy to confiscate and keep on file all nude photos processed in the one-hour lab. This was not told to me directly by a member of management, nor was I told if this policy held for all stores or only our own. I do not know what current policy is in effect. So don't sue me. I don't have money anyway.

Insomniac Movie Review: X-Men 3: Last Stand

Title: X3: The Last Stand
MPAA Rating: PG-13

Plot Summary: A pharmaceutical company generates a "cure" for mutation. Some mutants embrace it, others protest it, and Magneto exploits the situation by forming an army, intent on destroying the source of the cure. Jean Grey, who "died" in the previous movie, is found alive, but unable to contain her power. The X-Men find themselves defending humans (not to mention the source of the very cure they despise) against Magneto's mutant militia. Ethical questions arise, but they are too numerous to detail.

Should your kids watch it? I do not recommend letting the little ones see this movie. Then you'd have to explain why that woman has her legs around that guy, and you don't want to go there with your six-year-old. I'd say 12 and up.

My opinion about this movie: Three words. IT. KICKS. ASS!

What, you want more yakking? Okay. This movie has the character relationships you like (although I think there could have been more exploration to this than was on the film). This movie has the fighting you action buffs want. This movie has some awesome special effects, and they don't even look fake (are you taking notes, George Lucas?) This movie has new, awesome mutations that freaked me right out. It has more famous mutants from Marvel Comics. Yeah, that's right, Juggernaut is there, along with ArchAngel, Colossus, Shadowcat (called Kitty here), and heaven knows who else. Forgive me, comic lovers, but it has been a good 12-15 years since I last read an X-Men comic, so I don't know the name of that dude who multiplies himself, and I can't remember it from watching the movie only once.

One more thing. When you see this movie, be sure to STAY to the END OF THE CREDITS. You will not be disappointed.

Game Review: DaVinci Code for PS2

Since Justin over at Part Time Gamer is so busy with his new house, and he's in the middle of a Tourist Trophy Tournament anyway, I thought I'd do my bit for gamer kind and give you my take on The DaVinci Code for PS2.

First of all, I should tell you that I've neither read the book nor seen the movie, so I don't have many preconceived ideals with which to compare the experience of playing the game. I will say that, in theory, the book is naturally better suited to become a game than a film, if you're the type who'd rather be involved in the mystery than watch someone else solve it.

Yes, in the tradition of Soul Reaver and Escape from Monkey Island, this is your basic puzzle game. Just the kind of thing I enjoy. There's a great deal of exposition, though, and it takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Fortunately, you can just press a button to skip conversations you feel are not important or have already heard. The Blockbuster box cover recommends reading the book to be more successful with the game. I say you can get by with just seeing the movie previews and reading a few film reviews online. You should know there's a lot of seek-and-find going on, collecting clues and bonus items. You cannot get past a level until you've found all the necessary clues. There's also some actual cryptography for you, but it's mostly just letter substitution. You can even press the circle button for hints. The most annoying part is the torch-lighting puzzle (underground grotto in the garden), in which you have to figure out the correct sequence for lighting all five fire pans without having them shut each other off. I was not able to solve this without consulting a walk-through. In fact, even the guy who wrote the walk-through couldn't solve it without spening 45 minutes running around lighting the fire pans. Fortunately, someone else solved it, and sent it in to him. I'll print it at the end of this post.

Apparently game designers feel a game is just not worth playing if you don't get to fight with somebody, and in accordance with that theory you will have to fight several cops, goons, and monks. I was afraid I'd be facing something reminscent of Street Fighter 2, and would be ill-equipped to get past the first stage. However, it turns out that combat is determined not by memorizing complicated combinations to obscure moves that would never happen in the real world. At the bottom of the screen you are given a series of buttons to push. You must push these in the order in which they appear in a timely manner. Simple hand-eye coordination. And if even the timely manner part is too much for you, you can easily pause the game (mid-fight, even), go to the options menu, and switch the combat setting to Easy.

Okay, problems. Since there's so much exposition, so many clues and historical information, you are provided with a sort of notebook (R2 button) that keeps track of all the info you've been given so far. The problem comes when this notebook begins to give you info that you've not yet come across: clues you haven't found yet, poems you aren't supposed to have read, whatever. This "jumping the gun" thing seems to be present in some of the dialogue as well. But, if you've already read the book or seen the movie, I suppose none of that matters anyway. One other notebook complaint: some mysterious glitch resulted in my notebook not storing info about the second cryptex, but skipping right to the third. And another thing: where were all these crypteces coming from, anyway? There weren't scenes explaining anything but the first one. Were they all inside each other, like some bizarre form of nesting dolls? A little explanation would have been nice.

The mystery wasn't such a big mystery after all. Even though, as I said, I'd never read the book or seen the film, I still figured out the twist before the ending actually got there. I tell you, it's all M. Night Shyamalan's fault, making you expect a twist at the end of everything. Now all the surprises are spoiled.

Overall impression: nice game and all, but not one that I could play over and over again. Honestly, if the point of a game is to solve a mystery, what's the point of solving it again? It took me two days to solve it, but I had lots of free time, being sick in bed. Someone working full time, I'd say you could reasonably expect to finish the whole thing by the time the game is due back at Blockbuster.

The Hint:
Imagine that as you walk into the grotto, with the door behind you, the fire pans/star points in front of you are clock points:
-----12-----
-10-------2-
---7----5---
Find the torch, light it with fire from one of the smaller statues, and then light the fire pans in the following order:
12-10-5-10-2-10-7
This will ensure all five points are lit at the same time, providing you with your next clue and your exit.

Not a joke

I was originally going to post this as a response to someone's blog, but I thought it would be better as my own blog entry. It has been slightly edited.

You're just mean, aren't you? Or perhaps you think poking fun at scrawny women will make them eat? Yeah, that's a real self-esteem booster. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. *eye roll*

Don't get me wrong, I think the skin-and-bones look is unhealthy and unattractive, but anorexics need to treatment that is based on positive reinforcement and good nutrition, not snarky comments from movie critics and gossip mavens who would better serve the world by discussing films and television shows or shutting up entirely.

You think anorexia is an important issue? Treat it that way, not as a passing joke meant to get cheap laughs. People are dying, have already died, from anorexia. Do you have anything funny to say about that?

I don't want to see it

Attention: all ladies, young and old, tall and short, thin and chubby, born-a-girl and used-to-be-a-dude.

I'm not about to tell you never, ever to wear short skirts in public. We live in a free country, so I can't do that. Everyone has different ideas about modesty. Fine. But please listen this heartfelt plea:

When you wear a skirt that comes to the knee or above, please do not cross your legs at the knee when seated. Whoever is sitting across from you can see all the way up.

I do not want to see the color of your underwear while resting on a bench at the mall. I do not want to explain to my children why they can see your ladyparts, or (so help me) what they are for. I do not want to have to go over to you and whisper in your ear that I can see your stuff, but I will if you don't uncross those legs already, because there's nowhere else for me to sit but across from you, and there's no way I'm spending my only ten minutes of rest with your womanly glory in my line of vision. And I imagine YOU don't want some pervert guy taking my seat after I get up, pulling out his camera phone, and e-mailing pictures of your womanhood to his skeezy friends.

This goes double for church. In my opinion you have no business wearing a skirt that short to church anyway, but if you do insist on entering the Lord's House dressed like it's time to go clubbin', please have the courtesy to either cross your legs at the ankle or not cross them at all. I certainly do not want to see your panties while I'm sitting in the foyer waiting for my appointment with the bishop, nor do I think that 10-year-old boy's mother would appreciate your inadvertently educating her son on the mysteries of How Lingerie Fits. And I can assure you, the bishop doesn't need to see it, nor do any of the other husbands. That's why they have wives.

So from now on, keep your Victoria's Secrets to yourselves.

Insomniac Movie Review: Over the Hedge

Over the Hedge
Starring: Bruce Willis (who I love because he's not afraid to be silly), Gary Shandling (in his least annoying role ever), Steve Carell (I normally can't stand him, but here he's great), William Shatner, Avril Lavigne, Wanda Sykes, Allison Janney (who knew she could play so evil?), many others
MPAA Rating: PG, for rude humor and mild comic action. Wait, what is "mild comic action" supposed to mean? Is that supposed to mean the part where the skunk does her skunk thing? Is slapstick comedy a PG thing now?

The Plot: As if you hadn't figured it out from all 497 million commercial spots. A group of forest animals wake up from hibernation to find that most of their forest has been cleared and turned into a suburb. A raccoon named RJ (Bruce Willis) shows up and teaches the others how to steal food from the humans. He has an ulterior motive. The Homeowners Association President has motives of her own. Bonus: this movie is based on a comic strip by the same name. It was written by a man who lived in Houston (!) and saw how the wildlife had to try and live right in the middle of civilization. Double bonus: the day after I saw this movie, I saw a dead racoon in the road near a shopping center, not fifty yards away from the nearest suburb.

What annoyed me: The previews. No, seriously. I am so sick of seeing that stupid preview with the animated penguin, voiced by Robin Williams, singing "I Did It My Way" in Spanish. It looks stupid, and I will not see it. Besides which, it scares my children. Both of them. Every time. Crying. Stop showing it. I also refuse to see Santa Clause 3, because Tim Allen does not need encouragement to keep making dumbass movies. Also, sequels to GOOD movies don't usually do as well as the original, so I don't see why anyone thinks it's a good idea to make a sequel to a SUCKY one. (Do not send hate mail. Santa Clause 1 was not bad, but part 2 was a piece of crap, and you know it.)

Should you see Over the Hedge? Yes. Yes you should. Because it was written by a Houstonian. Also, because it's funny, and the kids in the audience were cracking up. The little ones liked it. The big ones liked it. My husband liked it. My four-year-old, I'll admit, was scared during one part of the movie. But not scared enough to scream. And yes, during part of the movie she started climbing over her seat, but only because her little sister did it first, and because she's too little to understand and appreciate the parts of a movie in which a character has a life-changing revelation (a.k.a. the slow part with all the talking). But after the movie was over, she kept talking about what she'd seen, and continued to do so through the next day. That's more than I can say about the last movie we took her to.

And yes, there were a lot of fart jokes. There's a skunk, people. Get over it. For a couple of hours, pretend you're still in fourth grade and fine that stuff funny. Once you leave, you may resume your hoity toity I-cahn't-aBIDE-bahthroom-hyumour attitude.

Spoilers: The spooky part that scared my daughter was the bear. It was chasing down the animals and attacking an exterminator truck and roaring and trying to eat things that were still alive. Yeah, my daughter hid her little face in the armrest. But afterward, she was fine. She still sleeps with her bear, and does not seem to have had any nightmares. The savage bear still didn't scare her as much as that stupid singing penguin from the preview.

My favorite parts were the cracks about the Homeowner's Association. Honestly, I think the Homeowner's Assoc. may very well be the prime indicator of the downfall of civil liberty. If you own a property that belongs to an HA, they can actually dictate who you sell your house to, what flowers you can plant, what color you can paint your house, whether or not you can have a flag pole on your property, whether or not you can park in your own driveway, all that jazz. I tell you, it's just WRONG. Homeowner's Associations should be deemed unconstitutional, and all the HA presidents should be made to suffer. Which is why I love this movie. Heh heh heh...

So, go see this movie. If you prefer to wait for DVDs, that might not be such a bad idea. I missed some of the lines because the kids in the theater were laughing too hard. I must say, the explosions won't be quite the same without the large screen.

Note to Humble, TX, Deerbrook AMC 24: when you premiere a children's movie, have the courtesy to show it on one of your larger screens, just like you do the adult and teen movies. I'm tired of seeing the animated movies back in screens 8 and 9. Some of the picture is cut off, and the surround sound speakers are starting to fail. Also: fire your projectionist. He clearly can't align the picture to the screen without an extra pair of hands.

If Size 12 is Not Fat, I'm...Fat

I've put on a good 25 pounds in the last year, and I no longer know for sure what size clothing is right for me. Thanks to my mother's genes, I have the unfortunate trait of storing much of my excess fat in my tummy, giving me the appearance of a "beer gut" or of pregnancy. Thanks, Mom.

I hit the thrift store this afternoon and found two pairs of pants that worked for me. One was a size 12 from The Gap, which must mean it's a size 99 in real life, what with "vanity sizing" and all. Clearly the Gap only wants me to buy their clothes, so that I feel thin when I'm in their store, and plump everywhere else.

The other pair of pants was a size Large. In maternity wear. You know the kind: if you wear a shirt that goes just below the waist, then it looks like you have regular pants, but pulling up the shirt reveals that knit fabric with the really thick elastic waistband inside. I didn't try it on in the store, but a quick hold-it-against-my-waist told me it would fit just fine.

I spent most of the afternoon trying to live that down. For heaven's sake, I gave birth two years ago. I seriously doubt I'm pregnant, and even if I am, there's no way my tummy should be sticking out this much this soon.

I won't even get into the horrors of swimsuit shopping, which I did later this evening.

When I got home I modeled my new clothes for Bizarro Dad. The maternity pants were quite a relief after weeks (months?) of all my other pants squeezing me. He said they looked nice. He also said "we" need to start working out and trying to lose weight if I've reached the point of maternity wear.

He weighs 280 pounds. He is 100 pounds overweight (according to Marine Corps standards, which he no longer is required to adhere to). I am only 25 pounds overweight. And honestly, I'm probably only really 15 pounds overweight, when you take into account my 10-pound chestal extremities. No offense, oh love of my life, but you needed to "start working out" back before we got married. Also: I'm approaching 30. I don't have the same metabolism I had ten years ago. I do yard work and I chase two kids around all day, so it's not like I live a sedentary lifestyle. So don't give me this "we" shit. Butt nugget.

Anyway, I pointed out to my husband that my new maternity pants were really no different than the elastic-waisted jogging pants he wears constantly. Except mine look nice. Mine can be worn out, even on a date. His have paint stains. Even the one without stains still looks incredibly tacky when he wears it out in public.

Yeah, I felt really bad about having to buy maternity pants. But then I tried them on when I got home, and you know what? Those babies are the most comfortable pair of pants I've ever owned in my LIFE. More comfortable than the linen ones from Old Navy. More comfortable than the maternity pants I used to wear when I WAS pregnant. Screw what anyone else thinks about my clothing. I may very well buy nothing but maternity pants. And I'm not going to let myself feel anything but happy that I finally have clothes that are comfortable.

Unless, of course, "I" lose some weight when "we" finally go work out.

Asshat.

Stuff and Nonsense Cafe, 5-10-06

Welcome to the Stuff and Nonsense Cafe! We do hope you enjoy our myriad selection of meals actually being served by our content mistress, Sleepless Mama, in her own home. Please have a seat, enjoy your meal, and read on as Sleepless Mama rambles about anything that happens to cross her mind.

Today's lunch menu:
Potato Soup
PB&J
Leftover Potato and Egg Tacos from Breakfast
Ice Cream Sandwiches
Cheetos
Carrots

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In entertainment news, Mission Impossible III is or is not doing so well, depending on how you spin the numbers. According to The Houston Chronicle, MI3 made $48 million its opening weekend, more than the rest of the weekend's top ten films put together, and the second largest opening weekend this year so far. However, the Chronicle also admits that the expectation was a $60+ million dollar opening. It also says that MI3 cost $150 million to make and millions more to promote. Finally, the first two Mission Impossible Films had much better opening weekends when you figure in the cost of inflation. MI1 made $45.4 million (the equivalent of $67 million today), and MI2 $57.8 million (the equivalent of $70 million today).

Clearly, two problems are at work here. 1) Not enough people want to see Tom Cruise's movie now that he's gone completely overboard. I already thought he was a buttnugget back when he and Nicole split up, but in the past year he's upgraded to full-on assclown publicity whore. People are sick of him already. 2) The box office slump is almost entirely due to the rising cost of movie tickets. No, seriously. That MI2 figure I presented you with? Yeah, MI2 was released only six years ago. Ticket prices have gone up THAT MUCH. It doesn't matter whether the movies up on that screen are awesome examples of their respective genres or flaming turd piles, if ticket prices are too high then more people are going to say "screw that, I'll just wait until it's on DVD and rent it at Blockbuster for $4."

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The following was taken from this week's column of News of the Weird:

The Continuing Crisis
Eleven women in the area around the nation's capital have bonded, according to a February Washington Post story, around a tall, athletic man of German heritage (with a master's degree and who tans easily), whom none has ever met. The man, known as donor 401, is the one whose sperm each of the women chose to be inseminated with, selected from a biographical catalog of the Fairfax Cryobank. That the women's 12 offspring have a common father has provided powerful motivation for them to learn about each other, as a way of learning about 401 (who has now retired as a donor, though there is still a waiting list for his stored sperm.) [Washington Post, 2-27-06]

This goes to illustrate the point I've been trying to make for years, which is that there is an unregarded danger in having children by anonymous sperm donation: the potential for future children to not know they are biological siblings, and form relationships with each other that would be considered incestuous. Just think, what if these 12 women had not rallied around each other and decided to meet, play getting-to-know-you, and wonder which of their kids would get the tanning gene? For all we know, some of the sons could have grown up, met one of the daughters, and thought "Hey, she's cute, and she tans so easily. Maybe we should hook up." Studies show that people are attracted to individuals who have facial features similar to their own. What's to stop these anonymous sibs from getting jiggy with each other by mistake?

Every time I brought this up in school, or with a health care professional, I got the brush off. "Oh, that's not a problem. More than likely they'll be separated geographically and will never meet." Excuse me, but how does anyone know this? Are the sperm donations of a single man separated and sent to different parts of the country? (If the article quoted above is indicitave of standard procedure, then the answer is no.) Does the fertility clinic ensure that all women who accept sperm from the same donor live in different parts of town? If one of those women move in close proximity to another, do they get little fliers in the mail saying, "By the way, one of the children in this community was fathered by the same donor as your child. For reasons of privacy we cannot actually tell you who that child is, so to be on the safe side, don't let your kids make out with anyone who bears a slight resemblance to themselves." WHY don't people make more of a big deal about this? Here this man with the nice tan has 12 children on the way in DC, and a WAITING LIST to have more (also in DC, I'll bet), and nobody wonders what will happen when a man's seed has been spread anonymously throughout a community. People, WAKE UP! Do we really want the next generation to be the children of unknown inbreeding?!

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Product Review: LCD Cleaning Wipes by MG Chemicals
According to the label, it safely cleans LCD screens, laptop screens, and plasma screens, is anti-static, non-streaking, and germicidal, and is available in a plastic canister of 90 wipes. Cost: $7.99 USD. Consumer opinion: This stuff ROCKS on our LCD computer monitor! Very effective at removing grubby fingerprints provided by the children. Be aware that it contains isopropanol; if it gets in your eyes or on your skin you should rinse well with water. Also, remember to close the container after each use to avoid wipe dry-out.

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Spanish language version of the American national anthem: good, bad, neither?
Personally, my national anthem will only mean something to ME when I hear it in English. I wish the translation into Spanish had been a direct translation, because then there would have been less fuss about it. Nonetheless, I recognize that not everything has a direct translation, and that someone was simply trying to do a nice thing by providing a way for new immigrants to understand the meaning behind the words to our anthem.

My husband, the Marine, is all pissy about this new version. "It will never mean the same thing! It's a symbol, you can't mess with it! How long before it's being sung at baseball games! Why can't people just learn it in English?!" (I wonder what his grandparents, who spoke only limited English, would have to say about his point of view.) His brother J, also a Marine, doesn't have a problem with the Spanish version, and made the same points I did. I pointed out to my husband that since he swore an oath to uphold the Constitution, he can't demand that this Spanish song be taken off the air or never be sung in a public venue, since it is protected by the First Amendment. He looked at me, blinking his eyes, and asked what on earth the First Amendment had to do with it. I blinked right back. "Free speech, honey?"

I am completely supportive of our servicemen. I know they don't start wars, politicians do; military members just go where Big Daddy sends them. But I think perhaps there needs to be some fine-tuning of the education going on in basic training. Because if thousands of men and women are going going to fight, be wounded, and/or die to uphold our Constitution, then damnit, they need to know what it says! Is that too much to ask?

Immigrant Protest: The Day After

Just so you know, my great-grandmother came to Texas decades ago, bringing her widowed mother and younger siblings to some place where they could find work and be a family. She payed six cents to cross the border.

Does this make her a legal immigrant, or an illegal one?

Yesterday factories shut down, businesses probably closed (though from what I read, there were still a large number of people out shopping), the neighbors didn't send their kids to school, all that jazz.

You know what? My garbage still got picked up on time. One of the sanitation workers in the truck was on his cel phone, jabbering away.

I didn't go grocery shopping, not because of my immigrant sympathy, but because I had a migraine.

On the one hand, I think there's something to the idea of a Guest Worker program, with the option to become a citizen later. Give these people a chance to be taxpaying citizens instead of burdens on welfare programs. I certainly oppose any law that would make illegal immigration (or giving aid to illegal immigrants) a felony.

On the other hand, I agree with the legal immigrant who said that instantly granting citizenship to 12 million illegal aliens is a surrender. We can't handle having the entire Western hemisphere show up at our border demanding a green card, a job and a house. We only offer that kind of welcome package to people from the Eastern hemisphere, particularly Arab countries. (What? It's true. The U.S. recruits people from Arab countries to move here, granting them $50,000 and ten years of free rent.)

Seriously, how screwed up is America's immigration policy?

One thing I definitely oppose, and that's a wall along our border. When did we become East Berlin? Does anybody seriously think that if we put up a wall, the terrorists won't get through? Does anyone actually think some razorwire is going to keep someone from getting into our country and bombing us? Honey, I lived in a prison town during college; we had three separate incidents of escapes in a single year, include men on Death Row. Trust me, razor wire is not the most effective deterrent to a truly determined man.

100 Posts! Hooray, I can't shut up!

Random topics for today:

Animal Kingdom:
My home and property seems to be filled with animals that are killing other animals. My fish tank is home to a fiercely dominant cichlid who has killed no less than four (but more likely seven) other cichlids introduced to the tank. He seems to be allowing one submissive male to live, but he certainly does pick on the pour little guy a great deal. My dog killed a bird yesterday and left it in her water dish. I hope it wasn't one of the baby birds that lives in the carport pole. And finally, I allowed a common garden lizard to come into the house, because I am seriously sick of the insects that have come into the house to escape the heat. So far I've not seen a visible difference, but I can be patient.

Genetic Memory and Music:
I read once about a young Asian-American girl who, upon first hearing music from her family's country of origin, felt that "there was something inside of me that liked it--like it synchronized right with the pulsing of my blood through my body." (Laurence Yep, Child of the Owl) This is, of course, part of a work of fiction, but I recognize that feeling. When I hear the music of Mexico, there are two distinct feelings: personal memory and unfamiliar familiarity.

To explain: I heard certain types of Mexican music all the time growing up, because Grandma would put it on the record player. I have a personal memory of these sounds, and they motivate me do do certain things that Grandma always did while listening. Like make blankets, or mop.

But then, of course, there is that other part, the unfamiliar familiarity. I hear a song I've never heard before, but it sounds right, somehow, and my blood races, and I feel like I'm somewhere else, or even someONE else, but not in a way that is uncomfortable.

What I do find interesting is that it is not only Mexican music that makes me feel this way. Once in a while I will get that odd and wonderful sensation when I hear a traditional Native American song, or (if you can believe it) that one song you always hear at Bar Mitzvahs, the one that sounds almost as if a snake-charmer is part of the band. I wish I knew what that song is called so I could speak of it properly and not like some ignoramus who lives in a Christian vacuum. In any case, the sounds in that song feel good to me, like they make sense in a way I don't understand. It's not like that for me for most other ethnic music (and believe me, my experience is varied). But there's something about these songs, these sounds...they just feel so comfortable, like pulling on some long-forgotten favorite item of clothing and realizing that it still fits.

Of course, this could all be nonsense. It could just be that I like accordion music, or something. I do come from a family of musicians, so maybe what I'm feeling is more of a genetic predisposition to music in general. I really can't trace my family tree further back than 150 years, so who's to say I don't have these ethnic groups somewhere in my background?

FOOD!:
I spent part of my evening baking a Chocolate Cherry Torte (which takes FOREVER by the way) all because my father is getting pissy about whether or not the new oven is properly calibrated. I pop the cake pans in the oven and set the timer. At T minus 17 minutes, I go to read Gina her bedtime story. It takes forever. I get out of her room to find the timer at 14 minutes and rising. Yeah, that's right, the cake sat in the oven 14 extra minutes, and my husband (who was in that part of the house) didn't take it out of the oven because he "didn't hear it." I think maybe he "wasn't paying attention" because he can't stop playing his new video game. Well, at least the cake isn't burned, though it is a little dryer than I'd like. I'll have to tell my dad that the results of this baking test were inconclusive. Oh fooey. Now I'll have to bake another cake. *wink*

Funny Stuff:
For a good time, go check out cockeyed.com. Dude is hilarious and inventive, and I can't get enough of him. I feel inspired to invent new fun things to do every time I look at his website.

Britney Spears is pregnant again. Yankees everywhere can't understand why she won't wear shoes. Personally, I think it may have something to do with swollen ankles and the heat, but then I don't wear shoes all that much to begin with. Also: somebody please just take KFed to get snipped. The man needs to be removed from the gene pool already. He's like a younger version of my father-in-law (three wives, seven kids ages 1 to 28, only ten years to go before retirement age, and still hasn't decided now might be a good time to take the bullets out of the gun). Seriously, somebody explain to KFed that his best course of action is to stop producing heirs to his madness. While we're at it, will someone please send SuperNanny over to Britney's house? Because clearly she needs to be taught how to care for children, or at least how to choose a permanent nanny more carefully. Baby's seven months old and Family Services has investigated them TWICE. Anyone else might have had their baby taken away from them by now.

It's late, and I must get to sleep. Good night, all, and a special Happy Birthday to Nilo!

Birthday Wishes!

Happy Birthday Bizarro Dad!

Happy Birthday Cousin R!

Happy Birthday Karl

Insomniac Movie Review: The Wild

Title: The Wild
MPAA Rating: G

Did my kids like it?: Yes, they did. Even the little one got down off my lap and stuck her head in between the two seats in front of her so that she could see the movie clearly, without obstruction. True, the oldest has not been inundating me with movie quotes, but she didn't do that with the last family movie we went to see, either. And there was definite laughter throughout the movie, from my kids and from all the other kids in the theater.

Did I like it?: Yeah. It wasn't a bad movie. It wasn't fabulous, but then, I don't go to a children's movie looking for heavy drama. I did get a few laughs out of it.

The Plot: Lion and his cub live in zoo. Cub is accidentally taken away and shipped off to the wild (Africa). Lion and his friends hijack a boat and go rescue him. No, really. And (you'll never believe this) the whole thing is NOT a rip-off of Madagascar. It's a rip-off of Lion King.

Okay, seriously. According to the people arguing in the IMDb message boards, The Wild has began production (or pre-production, or whatever) ten years ago, long before Madagascar was a twinkle in Dreamworks's eye. I must say, I have my doubts about that, because if it really began that long ago, Pixar might have done The Wild themselves, since it was before their Great Giving of the Finger to Disney. But then again, Pixar may have been offered this story and refused it, since they don't like doing blatant rip-offs.

To explain: the story comes off as Madagascar plus Lion King with a dash of Finding Nemo. But really, part of the reason it comes off Finding Nemo is because the Tale of Someone Getting Lost and the Rest of his Friends/Family Going to Find Him has been told over and over again for, literally, hundreds of years, maybe even thousands. They say there are only, like, eight different stories in the world, and every other tale is just a different version of one or more of those stories. After seeing so many movies, I am beginning to suspect this is true.

As far as the Madagascar stuff goes, well, it wouldn't be the first time Dreamworks ripped off a Disney idea, rushed to make their own version, and then released their's into theaters before Disney. Hello, Antz vs. A Bug's Life, anyone? Dreamworks was a BIG TIME IDEA SWIPER. Apparently, they still are.

But with this movie, I felt the story guys just blatantly ripped off Lion King. With the cub who can't roar, and the animals that want to behave in a way that is contrary to the laws of nature, and the dancing at the base of an active volcano (remember the hyenas at the elephant graveyard, and how the canyon kept changing shapes and spewing steam?). There's even a scene in which one creature stomps his hoof on the Lion's paw as he's dangling at the egde of a cliff. Do you see what I mean, here?

As we left the theater, my husband and I were pondering why Disney would plagiarize it's own movie. It doesn't make any sense! I can see lack of imagination, as far as the general storyline, but some of those scenes were complete and total copies. In fact, it seemed as if the whole copycat theme was...deliberate? That this movie Is, in fact, a (dare I say it?) parody.

Yes! Yes, that's what it is, it makes PERFECT sense! Because not only are the wildebeasts dancing around a volcano, they are TALKING about dancing around a volcano, and in fact harsh on each other about the CHOREOGRAPHY! Patrick Warburton's character actually goes so far as to tell his leader/choreographer that the style of dance is "so eighties."

Ha! Success! It's not a lack of imagination! It's satire! Only funnier! Or, if not that, then it's laziness combined with parody! I GET IT!

ahem

So, yeah, go see this with your kids, so that they can laugh at the fart jokes and you can laugh at the parody aspects of it. Or, wait until it comes out on video (although, I must tell you, the city landscape scenes will lose their grandeur when viewed on a small screen).

Also: there's a song in this movie, I think it's played by U2 but I'm not sure. It's in the "animals ride around the city in awe of all the bright lights and tall buildings" scene. I LOVE that song, but I don't know the title or the artist. Anyone care to help?

"Well I never did mind the little things."

Lest you all think my husband is a pompous ass, let me tell you how he HAS helped me in the last few days.

• Watching the kids while I go to Cub Scouts.
• Putting away clean dishes.
• Folding towels.
• Going grocery shopping for me so I could stay home and watch Alias. (Although, in retrospect, I think I should just go myself next time, so we don't have another $100 grocery bill.)
• Putting away the dinner leftovers.
• Picking up needed items on the way home from work, even though the traffic is murder.
• Changing diapers.
• Bringing me dinner in bed and some Tylenol when I had a migraine.
• Helping restore some order to the kitchen after the kids had a confetti-like battle with uncooked basmati (super-long-grain rice from the Middle East). He even had to get off the X-Box for this one!

He's not so bad, really. He just has to be asked to do something. I notice it also helps to give him a timeline. For example: "Make sure the food gets put away by 7:30, or it will go bad and I'll have to throw it away." If he's not playing a game or watching a movie, it's mostly not a big deal to get him to help me, unless the chore is dishes or yard work, in which case I have a better chance of finding a snowcone in hell. The biggest trouble is that he likes to play games and watch movies all the time.

Ew! What IS that stuff stuck to the kids' table? It's...watermelon juice? But why didn't he just...I mean, paper towels are RIGHT THERE. He left a dish towel ON THE DESK, not THREE FEET from the little table.

Okay, then, the second biggest trouble is that he won't clean up after himself or the kids, not even when there's food involved, unless I'm standing over him telling him to do so.

Calm, calm, breathe, not a big deal, not something that can't be taken care of quickly and easily, calm...

Are those his SOCKS!? On the living room FLOOR?! AGAIN!?!!!!!

Oh, who am I kidding. The socks look right at home next to all the other junk that the kids and hubby and brother-in-law have left all over the room.

And he did watch the kids for me last night. He did do that.

While playing his X-Box.

*sigh*

He's not an ass. He's not. Really.

He's just lazy.

Okay, name the movie the title-quote comes from. Bonus points for the actor/actress who said it (you can name the character if you don't remember the actor). Big thanks to cmhl for giving me the idea.

My daughter the card shark, and other stories

Today my four-year-old beat me at three hands of Crazy Eights.

We only played three hands!

Suddenly I feel very old.

In other news: The kids trashed my living room, and I only half care, because I'm still exhausted from last week. I made Gina pick up all the paper Easter basket grass that she and Sia spread on the floors of every room in the house.

I am fat, after a lifetime of being thin. And I don't care. Much. Except for the part where my old dresses no longer fit, I don't know what my dress size is anymore, and I wonder if I should go to the store and try on stuff until I figure it out, or if I should just dig out my old maternity clothes and see how they fit. I recall my aunt gave me some really nice maternity clothes.

This Easter I did not have a nice, pretty, light-colored dress. See above re: dress size issue. I wanted to buy one, but Wal-Mart apparently has stopped selling full dresses and only sells expensive separates. And really, I felt like there wasn't the money for a dress anyway, especially with all the other stuff in our cart. So I told myself I just couldn't get a new dress. Then my husband put a new pair of shorts in the basket for himself, even though he just bought new clothes two weeks ago. I tried very hard not to cry. But I still let him buy it, because I knew that he really did need some new shorts. I'm not the only one putting on weight.

Maybe today, if there's time, I'll go to the thrift store. They have a dressing room there with a curtain for a door. I'll try on a bunch of size 12s and 14s and see if any of them fit. I can probably get something cute, or at least comfortable, for five bucks.

I love my husband. But he really is clueless.

I am tired of asking for help and not getting it. They tell you, "It's not healthy to take on more than you can handle. So if you need help, swallow your pride and ASK for it." So I ask. But when it comes time for the help to begin, my helper has gone to sleep, or has forgotten that his help was needed. It doesn't happen this way all the time. But it happens enough to frustrate me.

So here's another secret for my collection:

When I ask you to help me do something, but you ignore me or "forget" that you agreed because you're too busy playing a videogame...

I cry into the dishwater as quietly as I can.

Psst...

Lately I've been keeping up with Post Secrets, and have in fact bought the full-color hardcover book. I read the whole book in one night. I could not stop soaking in all the secrets. I was sad for a while, looking at all the pains, but I must admit I was amused, too.

I've thought about what secrets I would like to send. We all have at least one secret, or so I imagine. What would I send to this man in Maryland whom I've never met? What would he think of my secret? What does he think of everyone else's?

Possible Responses to Various Secrets from Around the Globe

• Bor-ring
• I swear, if one more person tells me they pee in the shower...
• Ew, gross!
• Now that's just plain weird.
• Hmm. The secret is boring but the card sure is pretty.
• Why doesn't anyone ever send me a happy secret?
• Dude, she's your MOM!
• Okay, now this guy's just bragging.
• Oh yeah, I did that once, too.
• Heh, I'd do that in a heartbeat if I could avoid being caught.
• Just once, I'd like someone to send me a box of cookies.

I read an article about this and other "confession" projects. The creator of the Post Secrets community art project says that he is starting to feel the burden of so many secrets. I can see why, I think. It's just too much, all that suffering. And he gets a couple hundred post cards a DAY.

So, in honor of this confessional project, and so as to not burden this nice man with my secret, I will share my secret with you, my three readers (if all three of you are still there). This is not my only secret, but it's all you get.

This weekend the kids were unable to finish off their piñata and get the candy out, so I stepped up and beat that thing to oblivion.

I let everyone believe I was thinking about my husband, and how he did some random thing to piss me off. Even my husband believes it.

Actually, I was thinking about the same thing I always think about when I beat a rug or a piñata: my ex-boyfriend, and how much it hurt when he left me.

It happened years ago, but the wound is not gone. Not even a wonderful marriage has been able to fully heal me.

So I busted a paper mache animal, thinking about his face. It didn't heal me, but it sure gave me 90 seconds of satisfaction.

Have a great week, people. And don't forget, Alias is on today! Watch as the great ship sinks!

Insomniac Movie Review: V for Vendetta

Title: V for Vendetta
MPAA Rating: R for violence, language, and some gross stuff (okay, the grossness probably wasn't the R-rated part, but just know that it's there)

Okay, the grossness: I won't get into what exactly it was. But I will tell you I'm the most squeamish person alive, so if it didn't bug me, you'll probably be fine.

I don't think I've ever in my life wanted to buy a comic book because of the movie it was based on. And there have certainly been a ridiculous number of such movies in my lifetime, going all the way back to Superman, or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. But after watching this film last night, I can hardly wait to truck on over to Barnes and Noble, where I KNOW they have the whole comic series bound into one volumn. This movie was, for lack of a better word, AWESOME!

Highly political? Check. Violent, but not randomly so? Check. Cute chick, dashing hero, ugly villain? Check, check, and check.

When I say "dashing," don't misunderstand me. The hero is not attractive because of his face, although I will admit that after a while the mask started to look good. I mean his manner, his speech, his charisma, everything about him that was so...well, hot. And tragic. And funny. Like I said, hot.

But guys, don't worry, there's something there for you. Did I mention the violence? Oh, and the cute girl? She really is quite lovely, even after she gets her head shaved. (Oh, don't go ape because I gave something away. The trailers gave it away months ago.)

My husband told me he heard of controversy about the wisdom of releasing this movie at this time. After all, it is essentially a pro-terrorist film, if you want to take that view of things. But the thing is, now is the PERFECT time to release this film. It's about a man with an idea, and history has proven that it is often the work of one man that brings about great social change. And it's about freeing the people from an oppressive government. Is that not why America has fought so many wars?

Well, no, maybe not. You could argue that all wars are fought for money. My fifth-grade teacher certainly did argue that. And in that respect, this fictional war is no different. The men doing the oppression are filthy stinking rich, got that way by unscrupulous means that harmed many, and intend to keep all their riches (but more importantly, their power) by continuing their cycle of abuse, lies, and murder.

Hey, do you know of any countries that tell lies, abuse their people, or commit murder? I do.

Do you know of any countries that are slowly taking away the rights of their people, bit by bit? I do. In fact, I think maybe I live there.

Fortunately, I still have the right to object. I still have the right to say, "You know what, what you are doing is the exact opposite of what you're supposed to be defending. That shit ain't right."

I still have the right to say, "You know what, this war that you started is no longer a war we need to be in the middle of. Maybe you started out doing the right thing, but now you're only making things worse. Bring our boys home."

I still have the right to say, "You are polluting our planet. Cut it out, assclown, and act like the world will still matter once you're long dead."

I still have the right to say stuff like that. I still have the right to read any Bible I choose, whether it be the Torah, the New Testament, the Book of Mormon, the Koran, the Kabbalah, the Bhagavad-Gita, or the Tibetan Book of the Dead. I have the right to listen to any music I like, look at any art I like, see any movie, watch any show. And I do not surrender this right. Nor do I choose to limit the rights of others, should their opinions differ from mine. (This addendum: I do not condone anything that physically or psychologically violates other people. That's just more oppression for entertainment value.)

And this movie is one I chose to see. And I loved it.

Insomniac Movie Review: Ice Age 2

Title: Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
MPAA Rating: PG, for some mild language and innuendo (in other words, somebody says "Da-yum!")

So we took my two daughters, ages four and not-quite-two, to see this Monday night. The baby? Didn't care about it. She was not riveted. She was not amazingly silent for previously unheard of lengths of time. She did get excited when the film began to roll, but after a while she got antsy and fussy and had to be walked around. So to those of you parents who have a child this age: take the child to the theater well before bedtime, or you will have an upleasant experience.

Gina, on the other hand, was very interested. She was able to discern what was going on some of the time, and tell us about it. Trouble is, she wanted to tell us while the movie was still playing, so we had to shush her. Not a big deal, but then when the audience started laughing at something, she turned around and started shushing all of them. "You need to be quiet, peoples."

There were enough jokes in there to tickle the adults. Bizarro Dad has been repeating them ever since. So you won't be bored, Mom and Dad. Unless you're already boring, in which case, liven up a little!

This movie is worth taking your kids to. Now, if you don't want to be spoiled or read about the controversy that has started around this movie, read no further.

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Still with me? Great!

There have been some who object to the death of an animal being shown on screen in this movie. Actually, that's probably not quite how they phrased it, which is good, because that's not quite what happened on the screen, either.

An animal did in fact die. It was eaten. It was not, however, shown being eaten. Here is the scene: Surface of the water is on screen. Turtle is in the water. Turtle is suddenly dragged down, but camera stays with surface of water. A few seconds pass. Turtle shell comes back up. There is no turtle in the turtle shell. There is no blood. There are no bones (unless you count the shell). You don't see ANYTHING. You just know that the turtle was eaten by the two crocodile-like reptiles released into the water a few scenes earlier in the movie.

People are objecting to this! They're pitching fits! My thinking is, any kid who watches Animal Planet or a nature show on PBS has already seen the real thing, and I can guarantee that they saw blood, guts, and very sharp teeth. And if my four-year-old, who is highly sensitive, didn't care, it probably won't be much of a problem for your four-year-old, either. Furthermore, do you really want your kid to see a movie where crocs DON'T eat an animal, but leave it alone because it's all cute? That's fine for puppets, but what happens when you take your kid to the zoo and they think it'll be okay if they climb the fence into the crocodile enclosure? Don't worry, Mommy, it won't get me because I'm cute! Whatever.

Even from a storytelling perspective, it is important that the audience be shown that the reptiles in question are in fact dangerous. Why leave it to the last two scenes to show that they mean business? That's not how you create suspence. That's not how you set up a good story.

Now, the Scrat. This is my only complaint about the movie, really: too much Scrat. I know, he proves to be important, but the thing is, if you don't know that, it just seems like the director used a bunch of Scrat scenes as filler. Most of the time, it seems to halt the rest of the story.

Conclusion: Take the kids, you'll have some fun right along with them.

Signs in Houston, Part 2

This weekend my father and I went to the appliance store to look at stoves. On the way home, we passed a family medical clinic. It's been under construction for months. In fact, I think it was already open for business while parts of the building were still being constructed.

This clinic is located in a lower to lower middle class community. I am assuming that this explains the need for a clinic, as opposed to some fancy shmancy, 12 story medical office building. I'm glad it's there; the people really do need to feel like they are getting quality medical care, and there are few things more comforting in life than to be sitting in a clean exam room, as opposed to one with empty blood tubes on the floor under the exam table, or worse, cockroaches.

The lettering on the outside wall is big and bold, supposedly acting as a beacon to the surrounding families. The different sections of the building have their specialties emblazoned in the same manner. "FAMILY PRACTICE." "PEDIATRICS." "GYNECOLOGIST."

Yeah, you read that right. In big glowing letters (that's right, GLOWING) about 10 or 15 feet across is the word GYNECOLOGIST. Not Obestrician or Women's Health.

My father offered his opinion on the matter.

Dad: What the hell kind of dumbass clinic puts "GYNECOLOGIST" in big ole letters over the front door?
Me: Um...
Dad: Who wants to be seen walking into a building that's marked like that?
Me: They could have put OB/GYN or obstetrician. It's more or less the same thing.
Dad: So why didn't they put that?
Me: I don't know...they thought it would be better advertising for this community? There are a lot of pregnant teenagers around that area...

In any case, I kind of agree with my dad on one point: nobody, particularly men, wants to see the word GYNECOLOGIST on the side of the road in giant glowing letters as they're driving home and about to eat dinner. It's the kind of thing most men don't really want to think about, period.

*snicker*