Shhhh...

Can you keep a secret?

I am sick of Cub Scouts. I have my own problems right now, many of them, and I don't want to deal with a bunch of ungrateful little snots this month. I just can't make myself care.

But I guess I will have to do it anyway.

I seriously am ready to throw in the towel, though. It's not like these kids can't transfer to the dens at their schools.

Friday night

Approximately 10:45 PM
Living room
Sounds of idle tapping on keyboard, mouseclicks, and kids DVD.
Gina and Sleepless Mama are in living room. Sia is asleep in her bedroom.

Sound: quietish "pop" originating from up the block. Suddenly three louder consecutive "POPs" from directly in front of our house

Me: Get down! (Grab Gina and pull her to the floor)
Gina: Mommy? What is it?
Me: It's a gun, baby. Stay down! (Carry her into hallway and run to back of house, into kids' bedroom)
Gina: Mommy! They shooting?
Me: (Laying Gina on floor) Yes, baby. They're shooting. (Grab sleeping Sia and sit on floor cradling her) Stay down, do you hear me? Stay on the floor.
Gina: Mommy, I scared! They shooting at us!
Me: Me too, baby. Stay on the floor.
(Minute passes. Place Sia back on bed.)
Me: Stay back here in your room, kids.
Gina: Mommy!
Sia: I scared!
Me: It will be okay. (Step into my room, next to the kids' room. Grab shotgun and release safety. Walk back into hallway) Stay in your room. (Close children's door.)
Kids: Mommy!
Me: (Slowly advance to front of house. Listen. Peek out window. No cars, no people. Return to hallway. Engage safety and carefully place shotgun in hallway, within reach of children's door. Open door and hug kids.)
Gina: Mommy, you shoot them?
Me: No, baby, I didn't shoot them. They ran away.
Gina: You gonna shoot those bad guys?
Me: No. The police will chase them.
Gina: You gonna help them? You help bad guys?
Me: No, sweetie. We have to take care of our family.
Gina: Those police guys chase those bad guys?
Me: (pause) Yes. Those bad guys ran away because they are scared of the police.
Gina: You gonna shoot you gun?
Me: No. We only shoot when the bad guys come into the house. And we have to be nice to the police.
Gina: (pause) We have to be careful.
Me: Yes, baby. We have to be careful.
Gina: Mommy, I scared.
Me: I know. But the bad guys are gone.
Gina: They shooting our house?
Me: No. Sometimes stupid bad guys shoot in the street. But they're gone now.
Gina: I want to go eat. (She means in the living room.)
Me: Not yet. Now Gina, when we hear a gun, we have to get down on the floor. Understand? When you hear a gun, you get down, just like this. (Demonstrate. Repeat instructions and physically lay child on her floor.)
Gina: Mommy?
Me: Yes baby?
Gina: You be careful with you gun.
Me: Yes, Gina, I promise.

Can we get a cat?

"Honeeeeeeeey, I want a kittyyyyyyyy."
"We said no more cats after the last two turned aggressive towards our children."
*sigh* "I know."

"Honey, I think I'd like a pet."
"Uh-huh."
"What would you think about a hamster or something?"
"Sure, that would be okay."

"Look Honey, I got this at Half Price Books. The Complete Idiot's Guide to Choosing a Pet. Let's see what it says."
"What does it say about Chinchillas?"
"Let me see...60 hairs can grow from a single folicle...annual veterinary care...three-story housing...average price per animal $369.33."
"Okay, no chinchillas. What about smaller rodents?"
"Hamsters...solitary creatures...I remember I had one when I was a kid, and he used to bite me HARD."
"What else?"
"Rats...these are actually quite social to humans. I had one in high school named Big Mama. She would crawl up my arm and sit on my shoulder."
"Rats...no."
"Well, there are also dwarf hamsters, mice, and gerbils. If you want a gerbil, you have to get a pair, because they thrive on family life."
"Why don't we go to the pet shop and see what they have?"
"Honey, you should know, the cages aren't cheap, and you have to get them toys and stuff."
"Yeah, I know, but I'd like to have a little pet."
"But I thought you thought it was a dumb idea?"
"Nah. Let's go."
"I'll get the kids dressed, you jump in the shower."

"Look Gina, you see the hamsters?"
"Rats, Mommy! Rats!"
"Sia, come get out of the basket so you can see, too."
"Rat! Mouse!"
"These are ger-bils."
"Nerbils."
"Look, these dwarf hamsters are fine in a group. There's a whole bunch of them cleaning each other."
"Look at these two gerbils."
"Oh, they have such long tails."
"What did your dad say when you told him we were going to the pet shop?"
"He said, 'Don't come back with anything too big.'"

"I like this tall cage."
"This one has an exercise ball."
"That one has a detachable carrier."
"Kids, please don't break the parrot toys."
"What about the tubes? Do they all connect with this brand of tube?"
"I want to get them a little toy car to hide in."
"Gina, which cage do you want for the mouse?"
"I want...this one."
"Are you sure?"
"This one!"
"Okay, we'd better get a ceramic food dish, because they'll chew the plastic one."
"Look, here's a little gerbil TV they can hide in."
"Mommy, fishies!"
"Don't you put your hands in that fishy water, young lady."
"Yeah, Daddy already has fishies at home."
"Here, this food is the pellet kind, at it says 'gerbil' right on the front."
"You said no cedar bedding, right?"

"So, which rodents were we going to get after all?"
"The book says gerbils are curious and will jump into your hand."
"The dwarf hamsters are $14 a piece."
"The cage Gina picked is probably not suited for dwarf rodents. The wheel is too heavy."
"Oh crap, that lady wants the gerbils! I want the gerbils!"
"She wants a silver one."
"But they don't have a silver one."
"Dude, she just said she wants a silver to go with her champagne-colored one."
"Is she serious?"
"Ma'am, we'll take those two gerbils, please. They're both female, right?"
"Sia, you like the birds?"
"Fourteen-day guarantee? Sounds great."
"Gina, look, Mommy is signing a contract that says you'll take very good care of the gerbils."

"Look, girls, kitties!"
"Yeah, kids, the kitties are very pretty. But now we can't get one, because we have gerbils!"
"My two nerbils?"

Only in Texas

So, are you watching your caloric intake? Making every attempt to ban fatty foods and nourish yourself only with healthy meals?

Me neither.

I give you the latest innovation in state fair food: Fried Coke! Remember, it's a Texas Food! Yet another claim to fame for my prideful state. (Really, we DO all ride horses to school, and there really ARE Longhorn cattle grazing within fifteen minutes of Downtown Houston.)

Personally, I can't wait to try this recipe. I wonder how hard it is to fry Coke?

Buen provecho!

It's never too late to apologize

Dear Mom,

I'm so sorry that, when I was a kid, I made rude comments about the yellow squash slices you were cooking for dinner. Squash wasn't my thing, but I still should not have been so mean about it. In retrospect, they actually looked like little suns bursting.

I did like the zucchini boats you made when I got older. Those were awesome. Sadly, I have never been able to duplicate this recipe. Come with me to the grocery store so we can pick out some zucchini, please.

Love,
Me

Yet another secret

I printed one of the postcards I saw on Post Secret and wish to keep it for one reason: it looks like my ex's handwriting. Okay, two reasons: it looks like the person who wrote it is unhappy, and if it IS my ex, this cheers me up. It means he's not leading such a perfect life without me after all.

Un-freaking-believable

So, did you hear the one about the parent who tried to ban the book about book-banning, DURING Banned Book Week?

No, I'm not telling a stupid joke. It really happened, and not fifty miles away from my own school district. The book in question is Fahrenheit 451, written over fifty years ago, and still a part of public school reading lists. (No, I never read it, because it wasn't part of my school's criteria, and I'd never heard of it until this past year. Rest assured, it will be next on my list from the local public library.)

See, this kind of crap just pisses me off. Because one or two people got their feathers ruffled by the first FOUR PAGES of a book (I kid you not), a parent saw fit to try to ban the whole thing from all the kids in school.
I cannot begin to imagine how many things are wrong with this whole scenario, but I'll certainly try:

1. We live in a country that guarantees free speech (including what is written in books). It seems incredibly stupid to ban a book about what happens when society puts a ban on free speech. Unless you think free speech shouldn't be part of a free society, in which case you should just leave the country.
2. The parent in this case sited "taking of the Lord's name in vain" and swearing as part of the reason nobody should have to read this book. Excuse me, if you don't want your child exposed to swearing and shouts of "Oh my God," then you should take him/her out of public school, forego private school altogether, and just home school the kid. That's the only way you're going to escape that kind of language. Even the teachers and principals say "Oh God," especially when listening to senseless bull.
3. The young lady who so objected to this book (after those four pages) was upset about the depicted burning of the Bible. Yeah, honey, no kidding. It's a book about WHY BURNING BOOKS IS A BAD THING, and how warped society becomes without those books. Using the Bible as part of the imagery should serve to prove the author's point, and make you think about why censorship should not be allowed to go too far.
4. "Downgrading Christians???" I'm not even sure what you mean by that, Mr. Irate Parent. But if you want to ban a book that makes Christians look bad, why not petition to ban The Scarlet Letter by Hawthorne. You could argue it makes Christians look overly judgemental, unforgiving, and hypocritical. I don't know that any of that is true, but I'm sure there are plenty of students who'd LOVE to have that book banned.
5. While we're on the subject, why is it that required books can bag on any other group EXCEPT non-denominational Christians? My school was always assigning books that basically talked trash about the French, or Catholics, or French Catholics, but you didn't hear anyone complaining (and we had a lot of Catholics). And when we read Chaucer and other English fiction from that era, did the Muslim students complain about the depiction of Moors and try to get it banned? No, they did not. Why weren't the crazy kids rioting about Catcher In The Rye depicting them as unstable? Did any of the black students bitch and moan about Tennessee Williams using the term "darkies" in his play The Glass Menagerie, or Faulkner's use of the N word in his novels? If they did, it certainly didn't do any good, because we had to read them anyway. But paint some white Christians in anything other than a positive light, or even write in such a way that someone might misconstrue the book in such a way, and it's uproar!
6. The book was "talking about our firemen," was it? Did you READ the book, or even a review of the book? A quick synopsis from amazon.com or Wikipedia explains what the term "fireman" means in the context of this book: a book burner, not a fire fighter. So you need to just put it in reverse, dude. Clearly you don't even know what you're talking about.
7. One of the societal problems pointed out in this book is how television consumes people and discourages things like literature and (gasp!) ideas. Surely a man so concerned about his daughter's education would want her to understand the dangers of too much TV.
8. Dollars to doughnuts, the daughter was just trying to get out of an assignment, and hoping she'd get some easy busywork to do instead of having to think about what she was asked to read, and (heaven help her) write a paper. I hope the instructor did assign Hawthorne. Maybe she'll learn something. I'm not saying this girl doesn't have the right to request a different assignment if the book she's reading truly bothers her, and leaves dark feelings on her soul. I'm saying her discomfort should not translate to the complete banning of a book for all her classmates who obviously don't have the problem with it that she has.
9. What I notice about books that do tend to expose Christians in negative ways is that these books usually don't condem Christianity itself. It's the people who don't seem to know how to follow the teachings of Christ that get mocked. Like I said, I haven't read this book yet, so I don't know what it says that "downgrades" Christians, but I have a feeling it's not what Irate Parent thinks.
10. If you know what's best for everyone's kids, why aren't you on the school board or an editor for a parenting magazine? What makes YOU, Mr. Irate Parent, the foremost authority on which books are Not Good For Teenagers? Are all of them books you haven't read yet, or just this one? Do you have a degree in American Literature, or Secondary Education, or any type of certification that makes you qualified to tell other people what kind of books they should make their nearly-grown kids read? And please, while we're at it, tell me why "God's name in vain being in there" is "the number one reason" why the book should be banned, and not the suicides, murders, or destruction of property? Destruction of property? Killin'? Well heck, that's not ban-worthy, that's just good entertainment...
11. The child, Diana Verm, said: "The book had a bunch of very bad language in it. It shouldn't be in there because it's offending people. ... If they can't find a book that uses clean words, they shouldn't have a book at all." I just...don't even know where to start with this girl. Let's take away all the books because I don't like the curse words in this book about what happens when they take away all the books. Do she and her father say the same thing to the local movie theater whenever they play PG-13- and R-rated movies? Or radio stations that play songs with the word "damn" in them? I know. How about if we have all the history books banned because they're offensive to whoever lost the wars described? It won't be hard to learn anything without books, I'm sure. Ban all the Spanish texts, because those are certainly offensive to anti-immigration policy makers. And while we're at it, let's ban the algebra books, because the word problems are offensive to railway superintendants who insist that their trains most certainly travel in opposite directions at much greater speeds than 45 mph, resulting in fewer delays and cheaper fares. Let me tell you something, sweet cheeks: if my algebra books had contained a few dirty words, you can just be sure I'd have been paying WAY more attention in math class. Shouldn't have a book at all, indeed...you really should have read this one, hon. Maybe you'd be able to appreciate the irony of your own statement.

I'm sending a link to the original article to my old sociology professor. The good doctor will be absolutely beside himself with simultaneous disgust (at the audacity of the parent) and glee (at the assignments he can now generate from this event).

Gack! update

My weekend

House full of in-laws, including brother-in-law's delightful wife from California in town for a visit: check.

Eight people for one bathroom: check.

Rapidly vanishing towels: check.

Sheryl Crow concert, complete with chuckleheads sitting behind me who won't shut up and let me enjoy the show (for which everyone there paid $30 a pop) because they HAVE to make their opinions known as loudly as possible: check. (But they did end up leaving, so I could enjoy Sheryl in peace.)
Stomach issues as a result of too much birthday cheesecake: check.
Wait around the house until 2:00 Saturday for sis-in-law to call and let us know if she needs us to babysit or not, only to have her call after we've gone and leave a slightly annoyed message for us indicating that she didn't need a sitter after all: check.
Trip to the zoo: check.

Landlady decides brother-in-law must move out by the end of the month, and informs us on Saturday: check.

Husband has to be talked down from his anger at being forced to ask his brother to leave when the guy has "nowhere to go" and "not enough money to get a place" even though he "doesn't know how much money J makes" at his full-time job, while husband is simultaneously informed that his reply to landlady's representative came off as rude AND that our landlady (one of my relatives) is legally in the right: check.

Inform brother-in-law and his wife of impending move-out, to which BIL replies "Whatever, I'll go stay at Mom's,": check.

Husband and the partial horde of in-laws go to a haunted house, while I stay home with the kids and do laundry: check.

Sis-in-law calls at night, sounding annoyed that we never returned her call this morning (wait, WHAT?!), and is inf0rmed of the impending move-out, to which she replies "Don't you pay rent?": check.

Travel all the way to church early for a committee meeting, only to find out said meeting not being held this month: check.

Go back home to pick up husband and kids for regular church meeting, only to find husband cannot get into shower in time due to prolonged shower interlude between brother-in-law and his wife: check.

Visit to estranged father-in-law, his much younger wife, and their two small children (same ages as my own kids): check.
Husband continues to feel guilty about kicking his brother out, even though it is our landlady doing the kicking, and maintains that HIS family will blame him for this: check.
Husband continues to be upset that his unintentionally rude reply was met with a firm, snippy rebuttal, and has to be told AGAIN what went wrong with the original conversation, which was only about four or five sentences long: check.
Tiring of all the in-laws, I leave the kids with husband and go visit my paternal grandmother. While there, my cousin brings her son over to the house. Nephew (second cousin?) has a head injury, and his mother has brought him over in an attempt to keep him awake. Cousin keeps repeating the story of how the head injury occurred, and I try to keep her in a different room while our aunt entertains the boy, so that cousin will stop making him so nervous. Boy is fine (it seems to have been a glancing blow), but grandmother continues to be agitated, and cousin continues to be nervous, though less so: check.
Buy raffle tickets from grandma, in the hopes that I might win the $2000 gift certificate to Gallery Furniture: check.
Travel home at night through iffy neighborhoods: check.
It's late, and the children are still awake: check.
Husband continues feeling guilty, despite repeated assertions that he is not at fault: check.
Weekend comes to a slow end: check.

Family Game Night

This evening my little girls learned a new game. It's called Bonzai.

The rules are simple, really. I lie down on my bed, stomach down. The children take turns standing on my back. As they jump off me like the five-foot spring board I am and onto our super-bouncy bed, they yell, "BONZAIIIIIIIIIII!"

That's it. That's the game. Over and over again. I am quite sure my back will be several shades of blue by morning.

Happy Birthday to me...

This Friday I'm turning...24...again...and my dad scored some concert tickets for me. So while all three of you will be doing your regular Friday Night thing (America's Funniest Videos? Getting drunk and hitting on the barstool next to you? Wild monkey love?), I'll be out watching her:

(That's Sheryl Crow, if the object is not working.)

Thank you, Daddy!

Inside Look

An intimate look into the family routine.

So yesterday morning the girls and I are all snuggled up in my bed, mostly asleep, but at that point where you can sort of hear what's going on around you. (Yeah, we're like cats that way.) I hear the 2-year-old sit up next to me, so I open my eyes. There's a naked husband standing over me, wearing his towel like a kilt.

I close my eyes. It is just way too early for this.

Sia looks up at her dad and says, "Where's you hair?"

I open my eyes again. She's right. He's bald. Funny, he wasn't bald last night. In fact, he was downright shaggy by Marine Corps standards.

"You're bald," I say.

"Yeah." I'd better close those eyes for another minute.

I reach my hand up. Bizarro Dad obligingly lowers his head so I can feel the baldness. Alas! Nubs!

"You're all nubby."

"Yeah. I only used the clippers this time. I'm all out of razors."

"Aw man."

"Where's you hair?"

What happens when you play Pass the Buck

You know what sucks? When the neighborhood kids can't walk to school (or even to their bus stop) on the sidewalk, because the sidewalk is completely covered in overgrowth from the vacant lot it sits in front of. Instead, they have to walk IN THE STREET (even the ditch and roadside are overgrown with vegetation) on what can be a very busy street, with plenty of 18-wheelers and wanna-be-streetracers driving by.

You know what else sucks? That this vacant lot is owned by a church (that's right, an organization which is supposed to be in service of the needs of the people), which won't send anyone down to clean up the land, nor will they sell the land at a reasonable price (which is stupid, since they owe more than $ 19,000 in county backtaxes on property that is valued at $27,000), nor will they provide a telephone number for anyone to reach them about either land purchase or 9-foot-tall grass.

You know what sucks worse? The city helpline says that the owners are technically responsible for the yard, and the ditch in front of the sidewalk, but not necessarily the sidewalk. I read the city codes, which say the city is responsible for the sidewalk (or rather, "structures as required for the infrastructure of the city"). But the city won't mow around the sidewalk. And they won't make the owners of a vacant lot responsible for the sidewalk, because there's no one living on the land. And while in theory, they are "contacting the property owners," the reality is that after two years of complaints from nearby residents, the property owners are still either not being reached at all or intentionally not responding. So, basically, nobody is responsible for the sidewalk.

Know what sucks even more than that? That said vacant lot is so large (it's actually 3 lots together, dominating an entire corner of the block) and the trees and brush are so dense that theives, rapists, drug-users, and murderers can feel very safe hanging out in there without getting caught, since 1) they know they won't be seen, and 2) there are not enough cops patroling the already crime-happy neighborhood. (I won't even get into the rise in the poisonous Copperhead Snake population.)

Know what sucks most of all? When that vacant area is around the corner from your child's school, AND only two lots down from your own home, AND directly across the street from your elderly grandparents.

We've got our pistol and shotgun ready for whatever crackhead wanders out of the little forest and onto our property. But that's not enough to protect the first-graders trying to walk to school in the morning.

More awesome gifts...

I realized today that I have in fact been ignoring the gift-shopping needs of good folks in various other countries, and so I submit for your consideration the following unique gift ideas from (and for) around the globe. Or at least Canada and the UK.

Ye Olde Roadster Bicycles
Available in the UK from the India Rubber Company, these old-fashioned bikes are newly made, complete with chrome handlebars, heavy duty leather saddles (Dude! A saddle seat!), and fully enclosed chain guards. Priced at 135 pounds plus P&P. Models for both ladies and gents. Spare parts also available. Wicker basket not included.

Bagpipes
Are you rich and/or bored? Feeling in the mood to take up a new instrument? Want a way to annoy some people while delighting others at the EXACT SAME TIME? Why not purchase your very own set of bagpipes from The Bagpipe Store? Also available: the Practice Chanter (which, according to the website, is the best thing to happen to bagpipes, ever!), carrying case, reeds, and yes, even the whole outfit. Best of all, there is a handy price converter; you can view your purchasing options in British Pounds, Euros, US dollars, Canadian dollars, Australian dollars, Icelandic kronur, Indian rupees, and much much more! (It should be noted that all purchases will be CHARGED in UK pounds; your credit card will convert your currency at the prevailing rate of exchange at the time of purchase.)

Western Outlaw Hard Hats
Want to comply with your local construction safety regulations but still show off your own particular style? Look no further than the good people at customhardhats.com! Western style available for $28.95 in black, tan, or grey, and there are more styles available, including Patriotic Canadian and Patriotic Mexican ($21.95 each). The company is American but they ship worldwide! Please pay attention to the description of each hat to make sure it meets your particular safety code needs.

Say Cheeeeeeese!
Know what Americans think of when we think of Europe? Battles and castles. Unless we're hungry, in which case we think of wine, chocolate and cheese! Grana D'Oro in Reggio Emilia, Italy, offers what I hope is very fine "Red Cow" Parmigiano Reggiano cheese and butter. They certainly do seem particular about the "process" of cheesemaking (if you'll pardon the lame joke there). Personally, I think the best macaroni and cheese is made with some parmesan mixed in, but that's just me and my American palate. This website is in English and Italian (naturally), and prices are given in Euros. You cannot order directly from the website, but there is contact information given to place your order. Enjoy the best dairy Italy has to offer!

Happy shopping, folks! I'll keep you posted with more interesting gifts as the Holiday Season (and, in our family's case, Absurd Number of Birthdays season) approaches.

Holiday Shopping

In search of the perfect gift for Christmas/Chanukkah/Festivus? Here are some interesting toys for girls and boys (and adults whose toys just got bigger over time). Have fun, and remember to spend your money wisely!

Pedal Cars
This company offers wagons, bikes, sleds, and oh yeah, GIANT PEDAL CARS! You must see it to believe it. Shipping is FREE if you opt for standard ground service.

Play Wonder Kitchen Play Set
Available at Target.com for $79.99 (local store prices may vary). My kids saw this at the store, and after 20 minutes they had to be dragged away. The construction is sturdy wood, and looks to be long-lasting. The best thing about the Play Wonder series is that the accessories are realistic miniatures of the real thing. The mixing bowls and pans are metal. The whisk is real. The toy food is pre-cut, so that your child can use his little toy knife (child safe!) to slice the food. Also available from Play Wonder: blender, toaster, and coffee maker. Most accessories sold separately.

Junie B. Jones paperback books
My six-year-old niece has been asking for these for Christmas. I've not read them myself, but I'm told there aren't actually any pictures, just incredibly funny stories told from the perspective of an almost-six-year-old. There are at least four box sets of these books, and they're pretty inexpensive on amazon.com. Enjoy them with your child this holiday!

Home Depot Gift Center
For the craftsperson in your family, HomeDepot.com offers a Gift Center page to help you find just the right present. Products are sorted by hobby, price, and recipient. There are even some cooking gadgets and gifts for kids. Of course, you can always go to the Home Depot main index to search for more specific products, like skill saws and riding lawn mowers. Drop in and have a look!

Conair Foot Spa
Bed Bath and Beyond has a similar Gift Search, and they certainly have a wide range of gift items. Number 2 on my BBB list is this Conair Body Benefits Pedicure Massaging Foot Spa, $39.99. Because seriously, after less than two hours with my Cub Scouts, I am ready for a foot soak and a can of ginger ale. (Incidentally, number one on my BBB list is this potato ricer. In case any of you were wondering. *wink*)

Cars DVD (Widescreen)
If you or the kids or all of you loved this movie, or are willing to love it, buy this NOW! Preorder for $15.87 at amazon.com. Official release date is November 7, 2006. Fullscreen also available for the same price. Seriously, this is awesome. Pixar keeps on amazing me. Get it now while it's still cheap!

Can you keep a secret?

I do love PostSecret, but as I've explained before, I don't necessarily feel I should mail all my burdens to that poor man in Germantown. So here's my secret:

I told you I ate the last of those McDonald's Breakfast Burritos that were in the fridge because I knew you were pissed off that nobody was eating them.

I lied.

I fed them to the dog because they were so nasty.

She didn't want them, either.

I'm sorry I lied to you.

Caution: Coffee is hot!

Remember that story about the lady who sued McDonald's because of the hot coffee spilled on her lap? Admit it, you made cracks about it too. I think it would be good if you read this. Bet you won't make fun anymore.

Funny how quickly our perspectives can change.

Those Bible stories...

Today, Cowboy has an excellent post about Rehoboam, a king of Israel whose story appears in the old Testament.

Not to be outdone, I submit to you one of MY favorite Old Testament stories. It's found in Judges, chapter 4, and then again (in song form) in chapter 5. It is the story of Sisera, a Canaanite captain who oppressed the Israelites for 20 years; Deborah, a prophetess; Barak, an Israelite captain; and Jael, a tent-dwelling woman whose husband chose to live way out in the boonies (or at least that's what it seems like to me).

In this period of time, the Israelites were under the rule of a Canaanite king and his captain, who, as I said, was a pretty bad dude, with his 900 chariots of iron and all. After two decades of this, the Israelites were very "From the depths we cry to you, o Lord." Finally they went to their prophetess Deborah, who sat under a palm tree, and asked her for judgement. (Seriously, how cool is THAT job? Sit under a tree and wait for people to come ask for judgement/advice from God. And she was married, too! Talk about an excuse not to get the dishes done...)

Anyhoo, Deborah sends for Barak. It's odd, but she seems to be reminding him that God has already told him what to do, which is to take 10,000 men from two specific tribes and go to Mt. Tabor. There the Lord would help him defeat Sisera's army at the river Kishon.

Barak's response is not at all manly, I'm sorry to say. He tells Deborah that he will only go if Deborah goes with him. On the one hand, yeah, he wants the blessing of the prophetess, or a lucky rabbit's foot, or however it is he saw her, but on the other hand, CHICKEN!

Deborah informs him that she will surely go (aww, she's being nice) but that their journey/war campaign will not be for Barak's honor, "for the Lord shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman." Heh.

Barak and Deborah and 10,000 men make the trip up Mt. Tabor. Sisera's response after learning of this is the same one you might have if you were outnumbered by more than 10 to 1, which is to hightail it out of there. He and his men run all the way to, you guessed it, Kishon River. Deborah sends Barak down after them, so away the Israelite army goes. In her poem (chapter 5), Deborah says the stars in heaven fought against Sisera (a severe thunderstorm?), the River Kishon swept them away, and the horsehoofs were broken. Sisera is then so "discomfited" (by which we mean panicked), as is all his army, that he jumps right off his stupid chariot and runs away on foot, deserting his men, who all die at the hands of the Israelite army. Yeah, that's right, ALL of them.

Sisera keeps running, probably a good 30 miles toward Kedesh, until he reaches the tent of Jael, wife of Heber the Kenite, and seeks sanctuary there, knowing that there is a peace between his king and Heber. I can't tell you the actual tone of their conversation, but we can guess that Sisera is looking extremely pathetic here. Jael is all, "Come to my tent, baby, I've got butter." Sisera is very "Gimme some water, tuts, and if anyone comes by, there's nobody here, got it?" Jael gives him milk (and butter?) and a blanket and waits for him to go to sleep.

Then Jael does to most awesome thing ever recorded in the Old Testament (or the most gruesome, depending on your disposition), which is to grab a tent stake and hammer, then creep up on Sisera and pound that stake through his temples all the way to the ground.

Barak, when he finally catches up to Sisera's location (however long that took), finds Jael waiting for him. "Come, and I will shew thee the man whom thou seekest." That's all she says. Barak walks in to find Sisera's head nailed to the floor. And by the way, how long did it take Barak to find Sisera? Did he catch up to him the same day Sisera stopped for a glass of milk? Was it the next day? That's a pretty mountainous part of the world; even if Jael's tent was located on a plain near Kedesh, there are certainly plenty of hills and other elevations between Mt. Tabor and that place. It would surely have been simple for a trained man to avoid detection for a while at least. With this in mind, I suspect that Jael might very well have had Sisera nailed to her bedroom floor for several days before Barak even showed up. Excuse me, but ew.

I should point out that Heber and his wife chose to cut themselves off from Heber's family and live far away, presumably on their own or with their own children and grandchildren. I wonder why Heber would do that? Maybe he didn't get along with his family, because he sided with the Canaanite king. Or maybe he knew his wife was crazy, and he wanted to keep her away from too many people. Who knows how many times he caught her with a tent stake? In any case, after this horrific event, Deborah and Barak sang songs of praise, calling Jael blessed above women in the tent.

Sadly, the Catholic church has not canonized Jael as the Patron Saint of Women in Tents, nor of tentmakers (that's Paul the Apostle), nail makers (St. Cloud), housewives (Saints Anne, Martha, Monica, and Zita) or mental illness (there are 17 saints for that one). Deborah is a saint, but apparently not of patronage in particular, not even of judges (that honor goes to three men, including Nicholas of Myra, who is also the patron saint of boot blacks).

What should we learn from all of this? Don't oppress people, because it will come back to bite you in the butt. Do not undervalue women. Beware of ladies who live in seclusion, be it in a tent or under a tree. And above all, when someone invites you in for butter, for the love of crap, say no!

Y'all won't believe this...

Dude, this is all kinds of messed up.

A toast: to wedded bliss. *clink*

I have not forgotten you.

In-laws and out-laws are not opposites

Dear In-laws,

I do not care about your family drama. Stop involving us.

Little sis-in-law, I love you, but that does not mean you are allowed to be rude to me and give me attitude in my own house. Next time, your brother won't just hold your legs to keep you from running away, he'll SIT ON YOU.

Brother-in-law, move out. You were supposed to be here a week or two, then a month or two. That was back in May. You have a job now. Why you are giving your entire paycheck to child support is beyond me; my dad had to pay child support AND get his own place to live. You can do the same. Go get your own place, move your wife down here, and get custody of your son. Go be your own family and stop mooching off mine. And while you're still here mow the damn lawn, like we agreed, instead of leaving it to my nearly-50-year-old father who works 60 hours a week on the night shift.

Older sis-in-law, I have no complaints about you. Bring the nieces over more often; I want to hear your oldest play her clarinet. She can seriously practice on my back porch, and it won't bother anybody but Brother-in-law, who I want to leave anyway.

Mother-in-law, thank you for FINALLY trying to get a job. Please stop asking everyone for money and/or expensive gifts. We all have kids, too. And for heaven's sake, next time your daughter starts mouthing off, the least you can do is GET UP OUT OF YOUR CHAIR.

Father-in-law, I know you're on your third wife and your...seventh baby, is it?...but you do have grandchildren, and it wouldn't kill you to call and ask about them now and then. That's all. We're not asking you for money or a place to stay or a car or anything like that. Just care about our kids. If you can't do that, you're not really a grandpa, are you? Then again, you weren't much of a father, so I'm not surprised. You just...you hurt my husband, and I don't know how to forgive you for that.

Bizarro Dad, get off your lazy butt and HELP ME. I keep asking you for help, and you keep ignoring me. Eventually I will reach my breaking point. You don't want that to happen.

Sincerely,
Sleepless Mama