Tuesday, July 31, 2007

My Popo

Eighty-two years of living. Fifty-nine years of marriage. Laboring, sweating, building, repairing, fighting, sailing, fishing, hunting, teaching, swearing, holding, talking, loving, breathing.

Years of suffering.

Done now.
No more struggling just to breathe.
No more arguing over who did what to whom.

No more fear.
No more pain.
Rest now.
Float on the lovely ocean in my dreams.

Goodbye, Popo. I'm sorry I can't cry, but I really do love you.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Inappropriate yet commonplace comments

  • So, the girl we're having this baby shower for, does she have a boyfriend or a fiance or something?
  • Your daughter's pregnant? Better get out that shotgun.
  • Oh, you're a single mom. Do all your kids have the same father?
  • Oh, you're a single mom. Are you ever going to get back together with your kid's father?
  • I know she's married, but do all her kids come from the same daddy?
  • How long after you got pregnant did you get married?
  • She has a figure like you used to have.
  • Pregnant? You should have got her a dog.
  • Are those kids mixed? What is their father?

And yes, I have heard every single one of these comments, either to me, about me, and/or about family or friends.

What is wrong with society today? I know the modern human family is being redefined daily and women don't have to walk around with a scarlet "A" on their chests anymore, and certainly people are more open about what they do. But seriously, have we fallen so far that we assume promiscuity at every turn? Are we so low that we don't even have manners anymore?

Monday, July 23, 2007

Happy Birthday Daniel Radcliffe

Now that you're 18, I'm breaking any laws when I find and stare at this:
I am now accepting members for Future Wives of Daniel Radcliffe (Anonymous).

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Deathly Hallows Predictions

Avert your eyes if you must, but I am putting my predictions about the seventh Harry Potter book here, on the internet, before the book is released, so that when some of this stuff actually comes true, I have it on record that I saw it coming.

  1. Percy Weasley will betray his family, friends, and even the ministry; in his ambitious pursuit of power, he will become a spy for Voldemort, who after all is a very powerful dark wizard.
  2. Ginny Weasley will be an Animagus, and will transform into a cat of some kind. She will also be proven to be one of the most powerful witches (meaning the strength of her magic, not authority) of the age, and certainly the most powerful of the Weasley clan.
  3. Peter Pettigrew, a.k.a. Wormtail, will betray Voldemort in an attempt to repay the life debt he owes Harry.
  4. The Blacks will turn out to be descended from Slytherin himself.
  5. Harry Potter will destroy all the remaining Horcruxes. He will find the Slytherin locket among the Black heirlooms.
  6. Harry and Ginny will get back together at least one last time.
  7. Harry will die to save other people. In doing so, he will leave the same magical love protection on others that his mother left on him.
  8. The famous prophecy, which states "neither can live while the other survives," will be proven to have a different meaning than previously understood. Clearly both of them are already alive and surviving at the same time, so the prophecy must have another interpretation. (This goes back to my previous belief that the prophecy was no longer worth guarding once Voldemort had already succeeded in fulfilling it by "marking" Harry "as his equal" and making the transfer of power. Voldemort already wanted to kill Harry Potter, and Harry already wanted to kill Voldemort. Dumbledore knew all of this, and yet he still put all those lives at risk guarding useless information? No, there would have to be something else to the prophecy for it to have been worth the trouble the Order went to to guard it.)
  9. Someone else will have a scar upon them from surviving the Killing Curse.
  10. Hagrid's brother Grawp will come into play as an essential part of bring the rest of the giants over to the good guys.
  11. Somebody will knock boots. It will not be described, because Scholastic is still marketing this as a children's book. But someone is going to get some.
  12. We will find out what is behind the veil in the Department of Mysteries.
  13. Bellatrix Lestrange will die. Personally, I hope it's at the hands of either Neville Longbottom or the Dark Lord himself. Either would satisfy my sense of poetic justice.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Most women, at one point or another in their lives, will be heard uttering something along the lines of "Men are such pigs," or "All men are dogs," or "Men are disgusting, with the burping and the passing gas and the general uncleanliness." Mostly these are reactions to something occuring at the moment or to an annoying habit. But today I am determined to find out: just how disgusting in general are men, really?

It began when I sent Bizarro Dad out to feed our puppies (now five weeks old). I prepared their mash of puppy formula and canned Iams in a bowl and sent the husband out with instructions to give them their food in THIS bowl and retrieve the OTHER bowl from yesterday so I could wash it.

Bizarro Dad stared at me for 30 seconds with wide, incredulous eyes.

Me: Have I given you instructions that you don't understand?

Him: You feed those puppies... in our SOUP BOWLS?

This is, of course, absolutely ridiculous. I don't drop the puppies in the bowl to feed them. They eat FROM the soup bowl. But "soup bowl" is the material point I must address.

Me: I wash the bowls, dear. With soap, even. It's fine.

Him: (beginning to smile) But they use their TONGUES.

Me: (smiling back) Their mouths are probably cleaner than ours, honey.

Him: I doubt that. They lick themselves.

Me: So what? You'd probably lick yourself if you could.

At this the husband stops, turns, and looks right at me.

Him: No. I would NOT lick myself. That is disgusting.

Me: Don't be silly. Any man would lick himself if he could.

Naturally a brief fake argument ensued, interrupted when I shut the door between us so he would go feed the ass-licking puppies already. But it made me wonder:

Would men actually lick themselves if they could? Even once, just to try it? Anonymous replies are welcome.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Hatchling Unmutated Non-combative Chelonians

Bizarro Dad told our daughters that if we couldn't take them to the beach this weekend, we'd get some new fish for the fish tank (45 gallons, and we only have two algae eaters and one very aggressive cichlid who eats any other fish we introduce).

Bizarro Dad then remembered his final exam is on Monday, and if he passes THAT, the state exam is two days later. All his spare time (when he's not watching Black Snake Moan, apparently) is devoted to study and making flashcards. Guess where we're not going this weekend?

Knowing this would be the case, my darling husband went to a nearby fish store, presumably to get some more cichlids or a betta, something we're already equipped to take care of.

It was so simple. I thought it would be safe. He went alone.

He came back an hour later with two Red Ear Slider turtles and a floating faux log.

Most of the stuff they need, we already have, like a filter and an aquarium heater. The pet shop guy gave him a little bag of turtle pellets, so they've got food. And of course there's the log, so little Crush and Squirt have a place to climb up and rest themselves. Even the cichlid, Nemo, left them alone once he realized he can't bite them into submission (those darn hard shells). Turtles are completely compatible with our tank.

But uh-oh. Pet Shop Guy neglects to inform us that we also need a "basking area" for the turtles, a place where they can climb up and sun themselves under the vitamin-enriching rays of the UVB lamp.

Husband goes out and gets ANOTHER floating thing, one that will remain stationary, and cuts a hole in the tank hood so the light from our lamp (repurposed from our garage lighting) can get through. The turtles love it! Except that we don't actually have a UVB bulb, and they're just making due with a 60 watt.

Oh, and it turns out Crush has an open wound where his tail used to be. This is especially bad, since all his peeing, pooping, and sexual activity will take place from one location: the cloaca, located in (you guessed it) his tail. Bizarro Dad has to take him back to Pet Shop Guy for an exchange. Oldest Daughter, who is now sobbing about Crush's departure, is told that Crush is getting his tail fixed. She moves on to sobbing about missing Daddy, and when is Daddy coming home?, and I lost my Daddy and miss him so much, can I see a picture of Daddy?
My research also indicates that we should throw away the pellets Pet Shop Guy gave us and get some high quality stuff, in addition to calcium supplements, aquatic plants, red-leaf lettuce, that UVB bulb I mentioned, the occasional live prey, a vet that can handle exotic animals, and a home improvement loan.

Wait, what? Oh yeah, you read that right. Two adult Red Ears require two hundred gallons of water, and if either of them are females then I have to provide a nesting area as well. Do you have any idea how much it will cost to build a two hundred gallon pond complete with filtration, nesting area, basking area, shaded area, unclimbable border (to prevent escapes), and protection from predator animals?

The best part, though? Captive Red Ear Sliders have an average lifespan of 40 years.

Forty. Years.

I will be 68 years old. My children will be middle-aged and have their own grandchildren on the way before these turtles no longer need me to care for them.
Don't get me wrong, the turtles are very cute, and I look forward to enjoying their presence. But I wasn't expecting a 40-year commitment to drop in my lap because my husband promised to take the kids to the beach the day before his final exam and then suddenly remembered he had to STUDY!
Next time, I don't care if it's raining, exam time, or two days before my due date, I'm taking those girls to the beach. That, or making sure I don't send Bizarro Dad to the pet shop alone. God help me if he brings home a pet that requires I name one of our great-grandkids its legal guardian in our Will.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Fourth of July

One block.
Three houses.
Forty or more adults.
Fifteen to twenty children.
Two hundred burgers and hot dogs.
Ten ice chests.
Numerous beers, waters, and sodas.
Unknown quantities of mixed drinks.
Five trays of red and blue Jello shots.
Fifty lawn chairs.
Four police officers and three EMTs, all of whom showed up for the food.
Eight hundred pounds of hardcore fireworks (retail value $6000.00), including 8 boxes of "Sexual Fantasies."

The best Independence Day block parties are the ones hosted by a cop. Except for one little thing:

Burns acquired due to improper spacing of fireworks by drunken, overzealous idiots, resulting in the still-burning and whizzing embers landing directly beside my chair:
  • Two on my neck
  • One on my arm
  • One unfixable hole on the leg of my favorite spandex sexy-pants.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Ya gotta love stupid MySpace surveys

You know the usual MySpace survey questions: "What's your middle name?" "What were you doing last night?" "What's your favorite color?" "When are you going to be out of the house for longer than three hours?" "Where do you keep the spare key?" It gets weird. Here are some sample questions from an actual survey, along with my answers, all of which are true. (Yes, this is in fact a fluff post. Fuck off.)

1. When was the last time you shaved your legs?
Trust me, you don't want to know, and I can't really remember anyway. I've had a rough week, dammit.

4. What are you wearing?
After the leg shaving question, are you sure you even want to know? I didn't know you were into fuzzy-legged women. Should I get out the lingerie?

9. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Yeah, that hot guy from Supernatural, Jensen Ackles. If I had a list, he'd totally be on it. At the top, even.

10. Do you know the words to the song on your MySpace profile?
What kind of un-American asshat could love rock-n-roll and NOT know the lyrics to "Carry On My Wayward Son?"

11. Do you have any famous relatives?
No. Wait, yes I do! Wow, I forgot he was even famous. Man, I suck. Here he works so hard and travels all over the country, and I continue to think of him as the little boy who I used to get into fights with over nothing.

12. Have you ever had sex in a public place?
Why yes I did. And you know what? It was better AFTER his goods were stung by the jellyfish.

13. Have you ever made out in a public place?
Why does this question come AFTER the public sex question? Okay, here's a list: public library, movie theater, beach, by the pool table at a bar, arcade/go-kart place, park, another park, by a pond, zoo, in the street in front of my best friend's house, church parking lot, another church parking lot, a third church parking lot, Whataburger parking lot, museum parking lot, mall parking lot, Toys R Us parking lot, parking lot outside my boyfriend's apartment, parking lot of a chemical company, inside the building of the same chemical company, on a Metro bus, on a school bus, at a rodeo, in a pool, in the band hall, outside the band hall doors, outside the cafeteria doors, outside the door of my algebra class when I was supposed to be on a bathroom break... I think that's it. No, wait...

17. Are you good at math?
I'm a math genius, bitch!

19. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Clearly I am otherwise occupied at the beach. (Meaning I am busy chasing the kids around. Get your mind out of the gutter!)

20. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I think my record is 60 hours.

21. Do you like the ocean?
I've never been happy unless I've lived within an hour's drive from the sea. Which explains why the college years sucked.

22. Do you stay friends with your exes?
I never really see any of them. I'm not even sure where most of them live. And even if I did see them, there's only one who I straight up refuse to speak to. Even Notorious D.I.C. and I are on friendly, if guarded, terms.

25. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
Nope. The last one died years ago, may he burn in hell, that fucking pervert.

26. Where do you keep your change?
I KNEW you were trying to rob my house. I keep my change in the BANK, ASSCLOWN!

27. Who is the most awesome person in your life?
My kids are the two most awesome people in my life. Anyone who warns you that while you're driving you should be careful for other cars and ostriches is AWESOME.

28. Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
I'd always rather sleep with my husband. Unless he's in the doghouse. Then I like having the girls next to me. I miss the warmth of another person. Of course, in my husband's case it's more of a heat generator, but you get the idea.