Random Hygiene Questions

1. What do you consider to be the shortest amount of time you, personally, can spend in the shower and still get clean?
2. How often do you replace your toothbrush?
3. What is your favorite soap, and why?
4. What hygiene product(s) do you truly loathe, and why?
5. What's the longest amount of time you've gone without bathing, and what was your excuse?
6. What non-bathing things do you do when you're sitting in the tub (e.g. reading, crossword, etc.)?

Don't ask me where this came from. I'm just typing the words as they wander into my head.

Merry Christmas from your Friendly Neighborhood Stalkery Loser!

It seems we have an obscene phone caller. He (or she?) generally calls at ridiculously early hours, like at 6 AM or earlier. I say generally, but this person has only called about three times in the past month. Including the morning of Christmas Eve.

Yes, that's right. But I didn't answer the call. My dad did. He kept saying, "Hello? Hello!" with increasing agitation, whilst the Obscene Loser kept breathing heavily. In fact, when Dad later repeated the story to me, it almost sounded like the Loser was snoring, which made me thing perhaps someone hit my number on his cel phone by mistake while sleeping. Dad, of course, dismissed this idea as wishful thinking (quite rightly, I suppose).

Anyway, after about four "Hello!"s from my dad, he finally told Loser, "You sound like you have a piece of s*** stuck in your throat, dumba$$." And promptly hung up.

Way to go, Dad!

I am mildly concerned about Loser. Whenever he calls, the caller ID reads "Private Name, Private Number," so I know he must be blocking his number on purpose when he calls. Stupid turd burglar.

It's okay. I know how to use the pistol AND the shotgun, and after a lifetime of hunting lessons, growing up in Texas, and being married to a Marine, I think I can safely say that I have no problem with shooting someone who tries to stalk me. And I have a fairly good aim.

*sigh* I had to come move back into THIS house

This morning my children and I were all very cold, and I made sure everyone had socks or houseshoes on, just like these:


But then at around 9 or so, while the kids were still shivering, I went to take out some garbage, and what did I feel but warm, almost muggy air, occasionally broken up by cool, refreshing breezes?

I looked back at my house, scratched my head, and then realized that my house has ALWAYS done this, since I was 12 years old, and I just got used to having a normal, climate-adjusting house after five years out of state.

It strikes me as the nuttiest thing ever that, in the middle of December, I had to open my windows to let the warm air in!

Merry Christmas!

Homemade cookies so easy, you'll slap yourself for not making them sooner

Okay, it's Christmas, and you want to be all "Oh, happy face for the kids, lots of traditions, happy happy happy, turkey and ham, homemade cookies, yay!" Only the reality is that you don't have time for homemade cookies, with the flour sifting and the just-the-right-amount-of-brown-sugar, because you're going 90 miles and hour trying to shop and wrap gifts and not kill yourself. And you don't want to spend $4 on refrigerated cookie dough, because you've already spent $599.95 on gifts. So here's the easy way to do this, and it's cheap.

• 2 eggs
• 1/2 cup veg. oil
• 1 box cake mix (any flavor)
• (optional) chopped nuts, chocolate chips, M&M baking chips, etc.

Mix together eggs and oil. Stir in cake mix with wooden spoon; continue stirring until all lumps are dissolved. Add in nuts, chips, etc. if desired. Place rounded spoonfuls on greased baking sheet. Bake at 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Cool 10 minutes. Makes 1 1/2 to 3 dozen cookies, depending on size.

Seriously, cake mix is 78 cents at Wal-Mart, and you already have eggs and vegetable oil at home. What's more, it's fun and easy for the kids to do it, too, so you can enjoy baking together instead of chasing them out of the kitchen so you can concentrate on measuring everything.

Happy cooking!

Some people...

So last night I'm in the check-out line at Wal-Mart, and standing next to me at another register is this family, consisting of a woman in her late 40s to early 50s, a woman in her 20s, and a tiny baby girl, I would guess 4 to 6 weeks old. They are right alongside the counter, with the baby lying in the seat, her head kind of propped up on the side of the basket.

Grandma goes to move the basket up so she can put her bags in. However, since the baby's head is sort of sticking out, and the little checkbook platform is sticking out, Grandma ends up just smashing the side of Baby's head right into the platform. The baby begins to cry, Grandma doesn't seem to understand why the basket isn't moving forward, and Mother says, "Mom, you hit her head!" Mother looks fairly alarmed and tries to comfort her baby.

Grandma goes to pick up Baby. At this point I realize that the baby must be at least a month old, despite her tiny size, because she's able to hold up her head. Grandma, carrying the crying baby, then says, "Shut up. You were going to cry anyway, Grandma just gave you an excuse."

I cannot keep the angry surprise out of my face, and Mother and I exchange looks of quiet outrage at this woman who claims to be "Grandma." Baby does not stop crying, so finally Grandma actually removes the hood of Baby's jacket and starts to check Baby's head. Mother then takes Baby from Grandma, checks her head herself, and rocks Baby a little to comfort her. Eventually Baby settles down enough to take a bottle.

1. Why was Baby propped up that way in the basket seat instead of in a carrier?
2. What the hell was wrong with Grandma that she couldn't figure out that basket not moving when I push it + Baby in basket is screaming = something I'm doing to the basket is making Baby cry?
3. What he HEY-ELL is she doing telling a six week old baby to shut up? If it had been my mom, she'd have been all, "Oh Baby, I'm so sorry, Grandma didn't mean it!" But this woman? Ugh.
4. Why did Grandma think the baby was going to cry anyway? She wasn't crying at all. She was just barely starting to get a look on her face that said, "I'm hungry," but she hadn't even started really fussing yet.
5. How did Mom manage not to chew her mother out right there in the store?
6. Why am I always the one who sees this stuff?

And another thing!

That movie that I ripped on, Herbie. In the final race, the antagonist (Trip Murphy, a.k.a. Matt Dillon's career-destroying role) uses his stock car to slam into the side of Lohan's little Herbie. Not nudging, but slamming it into the wall. Just trying to cause an accident.

Me: Bizarro Dad, is he allowed to do that? It looks unsafe.
BD: No, dear. It's one thing to nudge the car next to you, but what he's doing is illegal, and he would get a Black Flag for that.
Me: Then why doesn't he get a Black Flag?
BD: Because this is a movie.
Me: They were all ready to give her the Black Flag at the beginning of the race when she was way behind all the other cars. They want to take people out of the race for not flooring it right away, but they'll leave 'em in when they try to cause explosive car wreckage?
BD: ... Mo. Vie.

Funny thing about my baby

Sia is 18 months old now. She's learning and growing and developing that little vocabulary. Why just today she learned a new word: grapes.

I try to say prayers with my kids every night. It doesn't always happen, but I do my best. Gina is learning to say her prayers with help. Sia, I've just discovered, will not calm down in her crib until I kneel beside it and say a prayer for her. Then she will smile, lay down on her little pillow, and let me cover her up. She stays that way, too, at least until I get to the bedroom door and flip the light switch. But she doesn't fuss too long after that.

Maybe it's just her "bedtime routine." But I like to think that when I pray that she'll get a good night's sleep, that prayer is being answered.

Seriously, what is UP with these movies?

Bizarro Dad rented three movies last night: Christmas with the Kranks, Herbie: Fully Loaded, and The Island. Let's go over them, shall we?

Christmas with the Kranks

I don't understand how, or why, but someone somewhere must have blackmailed Jamie Lee Curtis into doing this movie. It is positively horrendous! Why Jamie? Why? I know you're good at comedy when you want to be, but for that to work out, the comedy actually has to be good. This just...isn't.

To begin with, Tim Allen is in it. And we all know that anything starring Tim Allen that isn't geared toward an eight-year-old is a guaranteed failure. Furthermore, the dialogue is crappy, and you can tell that nobody likes it because they all have crappy delivery. And why, why, oh why is it that Dan Akroyd's character and all his twenty children are always wearing plaid, all the time, everywhere, with everything? (Then again, Dan Akroyd seems to be all about crap in the last few years.) And someone please tell me, was it screenwriter Chris Columbus or director Joe Ruth who decided that Jamie's character should be shrieking all the time? Happy, shriek! Startled, shriek! Hiding in the basement with a statue of Frosty the Snowman, shriek!

And you know the worst part? This whole movie was based on a novel by John Grisham. No, I'm not kidding. It's titled Skipping Christmas. I've never read the book, and I'm sorry to say that I don't hold out much hope for it. I couldn't even get through the whole movie. I demanded that Bizarro Dad hand over the remote so I could stop the thing. See, there are movies that are stupid because they're trying to be that way, such as Dumb and Dumber, which I can't stand and tend to ignore. But then there are movies that are stupid because the people making them have butchered everything that could have been good, and these are the movies that make me violently ill, or violent, or both. This is one of those craptastic wastes of film. Jamie Lee Curtis, you are better than this.

Herbie: Fully Loaded

Speaking of better than this, what is wrong with you, Michael Keaton? And you, Matt Dillon? There was a time, Keaton, when you were freaking Batman, okay? And a damn good one at that. Not to mention your sheer brilliance in Much Ado About Nothing. And you, Dillon? The Outsiders, anyone? Beautiful Girls? To Die For? Any of this ringing a bell? What is the matter with you two?

*Someone taps Sleepless Mama on the shoulder and whispers, "Multiplicity. Jack Frost. There's Something About Mary. The Flamingo Kid." Sleepless Mama looks embarassed.*

Okay, well, maybe Keaton just needed money. But he sure didn't look like he was enjoying being in this movie. As a matter of fact, he seemed to detest his very lines, and made almost no effort to look like he cared when he delivered them. Not because he's a bad actor, but because he's a good actor in a terrible movie. As for Matt Dillon...I...have no idea what he was doing. I know he was playing the colossal jerk in this flick, but he sure was goofy about it. Maybe that's what the director wanted, though.

Lohan...was clearly smoking reefer when she was filming this. It's not that her lines were terrible. That whole "I'm being carjacked by my own car," was probably something you'd hear a real person say, if they were in fact behind the wheel of a car that suddenly did not want to follow orders. You know, after they stopped screaming obsenities and leaning their head out the window, begging the cops to come help them. The problem is that her emotional range in this movie was...oh, who am I kidding. The whole thing was dumb. She did this to keep herself visible to the public and to make some money. Business is business.

This movie is not without value, though. My four-year-old loves it. She screams at the screen, "No! They hurt Herbie! They hurt my car!"

The Island

I don't remember whether the critics liked this movie or not, but my dim memory is that they thought it was sorry for some reason.

You know what? Critics are paid to be negative about everything. You like science fiction? It's here! You like action? Right here! Explosions? Here!Attractive people? They're here! A few nerds for comedic relief? Dood! Here! (Inside joke.) Hot cars? RIGHT! HERE!

Oh, and there's, like, a message, too, for those of you who like to have that sort of thing in your movies. But I won't tell you what it is, because I don't want to give it away if you haven't seen it yet. I will say this: don't watch the previews, because that ruins the movie for you. Just go out and watch this movie.

I will warn you that some of the images are disturbing, but I don't think Hollywood is allowed to make sci-fi movies about human beings without the use of Disturbing Images anymore. You might not want the little ones to watch (hence the PG-13 rating), but we're not talking about anything that would make your preacher stare down his nose at you.

Besides which, it has Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, AND Djimon Hounsou. And if there's one thing I love to see in my movies, it's Djimon Hounsou. Whether it's for eye-candy purposes or ass-kicking, any movie with him in it is automatically ten times better.

And there wasn't one single time when I wanted to tell any of the actors that they were better than this movie.

You know how I said it was freezing the other night?

Well, last night we slept with the air conditioner on.

And tonight? Heater again!

*sigh*

Top Five Things That Suck about Potato Chips

1. Lay's potato chips have those sharp edges that get stuck in between my teeth or cut the roof of my mouth.
2. Salt and Vinegar chips; excuse me, but ew! And that's just smelling them from a distance!
3. Only corn chips go well with guacamole. You can't do, say, BBQ chips and guacamole, because it really just doesn't work.
4. The salt content is too high, unless you get the salt-free kind, which taste too crappy to want anyway.
5. So fattening that I'm gaining wait just thinking about it.

On the other hand...

Yum!

This is getting ridiculous...

Y'all, I am sitting in my living room at 2 AM, and as I type this, I can actually see my breath rising like steam when I exhale. The thermometer we keep over the kitchen doorway? It reads 52 degrees F (or 10 degrees C) and falling. INSIDE. THE. HOUSE.

You know why?

We have no central heat. Only space heaters and this one gas heater set in the wall of the bathroom, which we don't like to leave on in the middle of the night.

Which is bad enough, but dude? I'm in Texas. On the Gulf Coast. I should be hot, or at the very least nice and comfortable. But no, I sit here all teeth a-chattering, like I'm back in freaking North Carolina, or worse, Washington D.C. Not that there's anything wrong with those places (in fact, I rather miss NC), but I came to Texas to get warm.

And all this freezing weather? Won't even have the decency to produce an inch of snow. Not in Houston. Maybe up in the panhandle they get snow, but here? Nada. And my poor Gina has been begging me for snow. If she has to freeze her little nose off, she should at least have the satisfaction of being able to make a snow ball.