Saturday, June 30, 2007

Morbid

Here's my cadaver value:


$4765.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth



Mingle2 - Online Dating

And this one is my Popo's:



$5530.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth

Mingle2 - Online Dating

However, I think perhaps his may be inaccurate because, although he no longer smokes, drinks, or eats anything that isn't piped in with a tube, he once did all those things, and for many years.

Here's to my Popo, the man who refuses to die, no matter how many chances he is given.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

If this doesn't boggle the mind, nothing will

If we destroy our planet or just ourselves, the universe won't give a shit. Just like we don't care about a random ant colony on the other side of the world.

Explain to me how our problems are supposed to be solved by talking to the sky? Clearly the sky is full and has infinitely greater things going on than our petty grievances or even than our legitimate concerns.

We only have one tiny part of the universe to use. If we're going to continue our existence, we need to stop relying on an invisible hand to bail us out of our own mistakes at the last minute and instead just fix things ourselves. Even if God does show up, He'll certainly be happier if we get our act together and behave like rational creatures than if we just make a mess and wait around for Him to clean it up. If He's up there, He is clearly busy.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Heart attack on a bun

Last weekend, six different kinds of animals died for our dinner:
  1. Shrimp
  2. Catfish
  3. Pig (bacon for the shrimp, plus hot dogs and sausage)
  4. Cow (beef fajitas and hamburger patties)
  5. Chicken (chicken fajitas)
  6. Turkey (turkey patties and grilled turkey breast, which was supposed to be turkey fajitas but in reality was turkey jerky)

Also giving up the ghost were several mosquitos, which were not used in food prep but unwillingly gave their lives when burned by the massive fire erupting suddenly from my dad's BBQ pit.

But don't worry about our health, good people. I also made some white rice.

Friday, June 08, 2007

My New Hero

When I gave birth in a military hospital, I had a private room all to myself (well, if by "private" you mean "sixteen different nurses, doctors, midwives, medical assistants, orderlies, and various emergency pediatric personnel." Sterilized equipment was used, along with monitors for both my contractions and baby's heart rate. Someone even came in with a what looked like a really REALLY long plastic crochet hook and burst my water for me. I'd taken classes on childbirth and how to take care of a real live baby. I had blankets and pillows, a bed that converted into a birthing chair, an bassinet with a warming pad inside it, oh and drugs (not an epidural, because I'm not a wimp, but a form of Demerol, because I'm not insane, either).

This evening my dog gave birth under my house. In the dirt. In the dark. By herself. With no prior experience, no instruction in what to do or how to do it, and no one to help her. (I didn't know what was going on until I heard the tiny cries. They sounded like cats.) The only way I can see them is to stick my camera under the house and aim it into their little hollow.




My dog is officially my new hero. Mother and babies (number unknown) appear to be doing fine, although I hope to take them to the vet this weekend if possible.

Congratulations to Xanga the Wonderdog!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Kelley and Traci #1

Here at Sleep? What's That?, we are committed to providing a variety of entertainment to you, the three readers who check in on a semi-frequent basis. Today we'd like to present our newest feature, Kelley and Traci: Conversations of Bored Stay-At-Home Moms.

Traci: Hello?

Kelley: Hey, whatcha doing?

Traci: Oh, I’m stuck folding laundry and watching Blues Clues instead of the Today show.

Kelley: Me too. At least they’re rerunning the Steve episodes now.

Traci: I know. I hate the Joe episodes. At least I can still have my Steve fix with the reruns. He’s my favorite eye candy on a kids’ show besides all those Sesame Street guest stars.

Kelley: Oh my God, do you remember when there was, like, this big conflict between the creator of Blues Clues and the network?

Traci: Yeah, I remember hearing Steve Burns made it a point that there was no “conflict,” just creative differences—

Kelley: Which so means a conflict.

Traci: --like how he wanted to do simpler stuff, and Nickelodeon preferred more of the CGI stuff.

Kelley: So the network demoted him from executive producer to creative consultant.

Traci: All while he was still STARRING on the show.

Kelley: Wasn't there some kind of documentary on Nick about how he was going bald and didn't want the kids to know, and that's why he left the show?

Traci: I never saw that, and even if I did, I wouldn't believe it. If he didn't want kids to know he was going bald, why FILM and AIR a public statement about it, especially on the SAME CHANNEL!

Kelley: I can’t believe the guy they got to replace Steve. Joe is butt ugly.

Traci: You’re so wrong. Joe is not butt ugly. He’s just a network puppet, slinging crappy Blues Clues episodes at my last remaining toddler.

Kelley: You’re right, he’s not butt ugly. He’s FUGLY.

Traci: Just because he has that odd face—

Kelley: You just said you hated the Joe episodes.

Traci: Yeah, I do. They suck. But that’s no reason to compare a man’s facial features to his ass-ial features.

Kelley: Did you just say ass-ial?

Traci: Shut up.

Kelley: That’s what I thought. Hey, they’re showing more ads for cleaning products.

Traci: What a surprise.

Kelley: Right? Like, afternoon shows get commercials for ravioli in a can and Spiderman toys, but morning shows?

Traci: Get ads for Swiffers and vacuum cleaners.

Kelley: Speaking of which, have you seen those ads for the Oreck store?

Traci: Yeah. Like anyone’s dog will ever shed that much hair at once.

Kelley: And like you wouldn’t just grab a freaking broom or a roll of duct tape.

Traci: Still, I wonder if the Orecks are any better than the Dysons?

Kelley: Well they can’t possibly be any more expensive than a Dyson.

Traci: Excuse me, but yes they can. The Oreck Titanium is $750.

Kelley: AMERICAN dollars???

Traci: I’m not talking yen.

Kelley: Wow. Even Dyson’s most expensive vacuum is only $600. And you can’t even buy the six hundred dollar model at Target.

Traci: Why do you think Oreck has it’s own store? It’s the Ferrari of vacuum cleaners.

Kelley: So what does that make Dyson? A purple Mustang?

Traci: More of a Camaro. Possibly a Corvette, but that's debatable.

Kelley: And here I was all excited about my Hoover Wind Tunnel bagless, for less than $200.

Traci: Hey, don’t complain. That’s like a souped up Mercury, or something equally street-racer-y.

Kelley: What do you have?

Traci: Drrfll

Kelley: What was that? I couldn’t quite make that out.

Traci: Dirt Devil.

Kelley: You’re kidding.

Traci: WITH a bag.

Kelley: Oh my God. That’s like…

Traci: A Pinto. With a busted radiator. Mr. Saving Up For A Motorcycle won’t hear of an upgrade.

Kelley: What is wrong with your husband?

Traci: Something about not really caring about a little dust, so long as there are no obvious bits of dirt and debris on the carpets.

Kelley: Doesn’t he know those things just blow more dust in the air?

Traci: He’s going to really notice it this year. I’m replacing his over-the-counter allergy pills with white Tic-Tacs.

Kelley: Now who’s wrong?

Traci: Well obviously my husband. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Kelley: Your devious mind never ceases to amaze me.

Traci: That’s what happens when I’m stuck watching Nickelodeon all morning. Good thing Steve is on to soothe my nerves, or I’d be replacing those allergy pills with Ex-Lax.

Kelley: Remember when we were young and talked about wanting a guy who had a motorcycle or a hot car?

Traci: And now we get all hot when a guy is responsible.

Kelley: I know! And drives a minivan!

Traci: And looks like Steve!

Kelley: You need help. Seriously.

Why I will ALWAYS love Sesame Street

Seriously, how can you not LOVE a show that makes your favorite music accessible to young children?

Monday, June 04, 2007

Perfectly delicious way to pass the afternoon

Run, don't walk, to your nearest grocery store, preferably with a good seafood counter, and get the following:
  • a barbecue pit (if you don't already have one)
  • 1 bag charcoal
  • lighter fluid
  • bamboo skewers (soak these in water for 1 hour before use)
  • 1 to 1 1/2 lbs. jumbo shrimp
  • 2 lbs bacon
  • butter, margarine, or spread
  • lemon juice
  • lemon pepper seasoning
  • cayenne pepper
  • cumin powder (a.k.a. comino)
  • garlic powder
  • Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 red and 1 yellow bell pepper

Chop the bell peppers into 2-inch rectangles and set aside. Shell and devein the shrimp, being sure to count how many pieces you have. Cut bacon slices in half so that you have the same number of bacon slices as you do shrimp. If you have an odd number of shrimp, cut one of the bacon halves long-ways so you get an extra strip. Partially cook the bacon over medium heat, but do not let it get crispy. Set aside.

Combine 1/2 cup butter (melted) with 1/2 tsp each of cayenne, comino, onion powder, and lemon pepper, 1 tsp (or more) garlic powder, 1 tbsp Worcestershire, and 2 tbsp lemon juice to create marinade. Toss shrimp in this marinade and let it sit 30 to 60 minutes (original recipe says to do this at room temperature, but I advise not to leave your shrimp at room temp. for longer than 30 minutes). Remove shrimp from marinade, reserving marinade for later use. Carefully wrap one slice of bacon around each shrimp, securing it by inserting the skewer through the bacon. Skewer a piece of bell pepper, then another bacon wrapped shrimp. Continue this patter, alternating bell pepper colors. Skewers should hold no more than four (sometimes five) pieces of shrimp. All shrimp should be able to lie flat when lain down on a surface.

To cook, place skewers on a hot grill, and cook 4 to 5 minutes on each side, brushing on the remainder of the marinade after skewers are flipped over. Shrimp should be opaque throughout. Serve with melted butter for dipping. Suggested sides: rice, corn on the cob (also cooked on the pit), baked potatoes (ditto pit).

Big thanks to Cooks.com for the original recipe. Extra big thanks to My Dad for buying the ingredients and manning the pit. I *heart* my daddy!