Friday, April 20, 2007

"Guns don't kill people" my ass

I don't know what the damn deal is with all these trigger-happy turd brains in this country, but I've had just about enough.

I refer you to the crazy shit that happened at NASA today. You may get confused by the poorly written article, so in a nutshell: Bill Phillips a contractor with Jacobs Engineering who worked at Johnson Space Center, went nuts today and took some people hostage in Building 44. He killed one of the hostages at about 2:oo PM and himself at around 5:00. I don't know what he expected to accomplish in the three hours in between, but whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't worth killing an innocent man.

What really pisses me off is that I just took my whole freaking family to NASA four days ago. Yeah, that's right. And here I was all disappointed that we didn't see any actual astronauts or engineers on the tour because it was a weekend and most of the NASA employees were at home. Thank heaven we went on a day when Mr. A Gun Solves Everything was at home, stroking his piece.

What the hell is wrong with the people in this country? Have we really fallen so far from a civilized way of life that everybody thinks the best revenge for any ill is to take firearms to school or work and make like it's an X-Box game? What's the matter, did someone call you a nerd or a loser or a cracker? Dude, get the fuck OVER it. People call each other names. It's hurtful and it sucks, but it is not a good reason to break out the duct tape and pistol.

You know, our country has spent all this time and energy trying to keep foreign terrorists out and invade countries that might produce more terrorists, and all the while we're breeding new terrorists right here at home. It's enough to make me want to move to Canada. Over there, you can't even point a FAKE gun at someone without getting a dozen Mounties on your ass. But here? Nobody's safe from harm, not the college students, not the astronauts, not even the Amish.

God, what a punk bitch.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Introducing a new feature: Letters

Dear Virginia Tech,

I am horrified by what happened at your campus, and there is nothing I can say that will make any of the victims' families and friends feel any better. My prayers go out to them all.

That being said, I have a bone to pick with you.


Yeah, I get it, you thought the shooter had run away, and didn't realize he stuck around to shoot more people. You thought the danger was over. But I'm sorry to say that your assumptions are not a good enough guarantee of safety. People could have attempted to find a safe place to stay if they'd only KNOWN what was going on.

Seriously, you need to get some kind of system going on in your school, whether it's in-room emergency phones or a P.A. system, that alerts people when an emergency is occurring.

It's not just you, I know. Most colleges don't have a system like that in place, I'm afraid. Classrooms are spread out among many buildings, not contained in a single building as are most high schools. And it's not like the students are tuned in to the Emergency Broadcast System in the middle of a lecture.

But you have a chance, here and now, to be an example for the rest of the country. Get a warning system installed. Test it once a semester, just like you do with fire alarms (I know you have those fire drills, because I had to endure those once a semester in my day.) Do it. Do something. Anything is better than keeping your current system in place, which is to warn people by E-MAIL.

And I thought Columbine was the worst that could happen...

Saturday, April 07, 2007

My daughters have betrayed me

My life as I know it is over.

I suppose it was only a matter of time, really. I just didn't think it would happen so soon.

I blame myself.

I should never have got cable.

That's right, I am now facing the $64,000 question:

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

That's right.
Thanks a lot, girls.
And you too, Time Warner.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Reflections on an idle Thursday

You know what's sad? When your someone in your family wishes you'd get a divorce because they hate your spouse AND think the relationship is crap. And one of them secretly tells your ex.

You know what's funny? Being the ex. Because even though it is so wrong to laugh at the misfortunes of others, it is situationally hilarious when the one who was dumped for a specific flaw is replaced by a person who turns out to have that flaw in spades.

However, one must remember that none of us are better than any other. We are all equally flawed in different ways. The wife, for example, is probably super-organized and keeps a spotless house; the ex-girlfriend, meanwhile, is a terrible housekeeper and subject to mood swings, but at least she's sensible enough not to travel to a foreign country and have plastic surgery against her parents' AND husband's wishes (especially since it would be the husband who's paying for it, most likely out of the money he was saving for tuition).

How's the new honker working out for ya, hon? Let's hope the surgeons in that impoverished country kept very clean instruments. Also, get a modeling job once the bruising is gone, because I have a feeling you'll be needing the money.