Friday, April 04, 2008

Celebrity Letters: David Bromstadt

Dear David,

You know, I totally respect that you won the first Design Star contest with all your stunning talent, you taught yourself how to build, and you create wonderful artwork for every client on your show, Color Splash. I even find some really awesome ideas I'd like to try. It's great, I'm happy for you, good wishes.

Thing is, though, I'm starting to see a pattern in your work. You're too liberal with the orange.

No, seriously. You use it TOO MUCH. And it's even worse when you bust out the avocado green to complement it. I swear it's like an episode of That 70s Show, only with no bald guy calling everyone a dumbass, and the furniture pieces are way nicer.

I suppose I can't really blame you for some of the color choices, because it seems to be some kind of interior decorating trend, if any of the other shows on that channel are any indication. But I say buck the trend! Do you really want to be responsible for bring back decor from the seventies? Gack! If your clients say they want warm tones, give them a warmed-up beige with some red. I have yet to hear anyone say "Please, give me more orange." That's like "I gotta have more cow bell." Who the hell asks for that?

Sleepless Mama

P. S. If it's any consolation, you're way better than Constance Ramos. She uses entirely too much pink. In her commercial, she's standing there trying to name the pink paint. She loves the pastels and floral, which I guess is just her thing, but the pink has got to stop. Even when she goes for bolder colors, they are still PINK or PURPLE. When the homeowner is telling her that a color looks too "festive" (emasculating) for his taste, you'd think she'd take the hint, but no. Please, if you see her, tell her it's not cool, nor awesome, nor tasteful by any stretch of the word, for a grown man to have a pinkish-red wall anywhere other than his daughter's bedroom, or possibly his wife's bathroom (and even then, no). If she gives you shit about the orange, remind her that at least orange works for more than one gender.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Kelley and Traci #2

I wrote this last summer and never published it. After dusting it off and shining it up a bit, I thought I'd share it with you.

Kelley: Hello?

Traci: Did you watch HGTV this morning?

Kelley: Yeah, the kids actually took a nap, so I had the TV to myself.

Traci: Oh my god, did you SEE that hideous room they redid on Decorating Cents?

Kelley: You mean the perfectly classy dining room with dark walnut stained antique furniture and beautiful windows?

Traci: Yes! And they put up that awful wallpaper!

Kelley: And the purple paint on the other wall!

Traci: I can't believe she painted those chairs white!

Kelley: And covered those gorgeous windows with those awful floral curtains!

Traci: The sconces!


Traci: I swear, every time they redo a room on that show, it's like they don't even listen to what the homeowner wants.

Kelley: I could ask for Whimsical Modern, and they'd still do my living room in Country Moron Grandmother on Crystal Meth. In a dull purple.

Traci: You know that's why they didn't show the homeowner pre-interview and reaction shots. Clearly the lady of the house hated it.

Kelley: Damn skippy... So, did you watch High School Musical 2 last week?

Traci: So help me God, I did. My daughters have been talking about it nonstop for months.

Kelley: I wasn't too impressed by the songs. You?

Traci: I just wanted all those boys to cut their damn hair. Especially Zac Efron. Dude is starting to look gay.

Kelley: And I hear Hannah Montana was in the movie too?

Traci: There's nothing quite like an online election determining which kid from another idiot show should appear on a new idiot show.

Kelley: Democracy in action, honey.

Traci: Seriously, what is with all these stupid live action shows on Disney and Nickelodeon? It's like nobody in the entire cast of characters knows how to behave with anything that resembles common sense.

Kelley: I know! I had to sit through an episode of Suite Life, and I was completely floored when the hotel manager not only took the suggestion of a pair of 12-year-old boys, but allowed them to RUN an UNDERAGE NIGHTCLUB.

Traci: And what about That's So Raven? What the hell is wrong with those people?

Kelley: Don't get me started on that show. Raven doesn't even have the excuse of playing a preteen with no life experience. Her character is in high school; surely she's old enough to know that dressing in a disguise won't fool your own parents.

Traci: I tell you, if it weren't for HGTV, I'd completely lose my shit. That channel keeps me sane.

Kelley: You know, you should really read more books.

Traci: Like I have money for that.

Kelley: Library's free, hon.

Traci: Gas isn't, and the library's too far to walk.

Kelley: You can't ask your kid to grab a book for you at the school library?

Traci: You know that conservative-prick district only keeps censor-approved books. How am I going to get my chic-lit fix there?

Kelley: Okay, that is it, I am lending you my Vonnegut. You need to broaden those horizons.

Traci: I might be better off borrowing your How-To-Make-Beautiful-Decor-Out-Of-Cheap-Shit-From-The-Dollar-Store book.

Kelley: I don't have a-- oh, I get it. Your man still saving up for that motorcycle?

Traci: No, now he's saving up for a Wii.

Kelley: A wee? What?

Traci: You know, a Wii.

Kelley: He's getting penis enhancement surgery?

Traci: No! Although that wouldn't be a bad idea. No, I mean he's saving up for the new Nintendo Wii game system.

Kelley: Is that, like, a little bitty game system?

Traci: Now you're just being silly.

Kelley: Yes, I am. So you're telling me he hasn't even saved up enough for a video game system?

Traci: No, the game system is only $250 or something, and the games are $50. I'm saying he finally got the hint that we needed to spend some money on a family vacation now, before our kids get too sarcastic to take anywhere nice.

Kelley: Wow, how'd you manage that?

Traci: I sent The Girl to a day camp this summer, and we got a call from the counselor about behavior issues. I asked her to call my husband at work and tell him exactly what our daughter said and did. He came home and yelled for a while, and then I patiently explained to him that if he didn't spend some Quality Time with her, he should expect the rudeness directed at him soon, and completely without remorse from The Girl.

Kelley: So where'd you go?

Traci: Camping. There's nothing to make you appreciate all the cool places you normally get to go like dragging your family to the middle of nowhere with no showers or electricity and only one tent for shelter. I told The Girl that if she didn't shape up and lose the attitude, I'd take her camping once or twice a month to the same spot with no amenities.

Kelley: What if she likes camping?

Traci: Are you kidding? The whole week was "I'm hot, I'm icky, I feel gross, I hate crapping in the special camping toilet, why can't we go eat at McDonald's, what do you mean we have to skin this squirrel for dinner?" The minute I threatened to extend our trip, she shut her mouth completely.
Kelley: You, madame, are an evil genius.

Traci: I call it creative parenting.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Freaking hilarious

Sorry I've not posted in a long time. I hope to rectify that just as soon as I can get motivated (by which I mean when the temperature rises too high for me to do anything but stay indoors all day).

I've got two videos for all you gamers out there who have a sense of humor (you overly serious types need to get over yourselves, because there is more to life than having ten level 70 characters).

First one I can only link to, since GraveD1gger has disabled embedding (that adorable little anal-retentive wack-job). Check out Guild Wars vs. WoW on YouTube. For those of you not familiar with Guild Wars or World of Warcraft, they are the same game, only with different people. No, Bizarro Dad, they are not different, I don't care if GW has better graphics while WoW has better game play, they are the same damn thing. They don't even have different people, really, because you play with the same people on both games, you kept the same character name, and you do the exact same shit.

The second video I'm attempting to embed. It's Part One of a series called The Guild. All seven episodes are available to view on YouTube, or you can check out their website,

Friday, December 28, 2007

From an Angry Wife

Dear Idiot Brother-in-law,

You are an ungrateful snot. Pay your god damned car note before you completely fuck up your brother's credit. If my husband and I can't buy a house or get a student loan because of YOU and your ridiculous need to drive a sports car, I will BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU.

Don't ask us for Christmas or birthday presents anymore. Don't ask for "help" buying a motorcycle. Pay us back the money you already owe us (which is accruing interest, by the way), and start acting like a responsible adult instead of a hissy-fit-throwing child. How can you be so behind on your bills when YOU HAVE A FREE APARTMENT?!

You're a jackass and I can't stand you. Stop coming to the house when Bizarro Dad is not here.

Up yours,
Sleepless Mama

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Dear Betty Crocker

I don't know which executive thought it was a bright idea to discontinue the SuperMoist Cinnamon Swirl Cake Mix, but s/he was an absolute IDIOT to do so, especially now that Christmas is here. I cannot tell you how many requests I get for Cinnamon Swirl Cake With Raisins from family and friends. Now I've had to improvise with the Butter Pecan, which, by the way, tastes like really old banana bread that should have been tossed into the trash can a week ago. The fool in charge of making this kind of product decision needs a foot in the ass. Bring back the Cinnamon Swirl!

The preceding is a copy of the letter I sent to Betty Crocker Consumer Services. I expect to be presented with a picture of a size nine in someone's rectum any day now, along with a twelve-pack of Cinnamon Swirl cake mix.
Image courtesy of, who are really nice people that would LOVE to sell me a twelve-pack of Cinnamon Swirl cake mix, if only Betty Crocker would get off her fat ass and put it back in production.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Dear Houston Rockets

You suck.
Nah, not really. You aren't that bad.
And I know the Denver Nuggets are a tough team, what with them being able to fly and all.
But you totally screwed up, Bettier, fouling that dude at 4.5 seconds left in double overtime.
I was willing to flash you if you'd won.
(Well, I was willing to flash the TV.)
You can't hang on to a lead to save yourself from a titty-less existence.
So I'm just going to have to keep them right here under my shirt.
Do better next game, fellas.
Graphic courtesy of

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dog and Cat Diary

Taken from a MySpace bulletin.


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am... "Bastards!"

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow - - but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released...and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously brain damaged or drug induced.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the captors regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe... for now..........