Thursday, March 01, 2007

Insomniac Movie Review: Zoom (or ZOOM!)

Title: Zoom: Academy for Heroes
MPAA Rating: PG, for brief rude humor, language and mild action (Remember, G movies don't have action)

Cast: Tim Allen (you should know by now how I feel about him), Rip Torn (he's just there for a paycheck), Chevy Chase (ditto paycheck), Spencer Breslin (that overweight boy who's in too many movies, like the male Dakota Fanning, and in fact was in Cat in the Hat WITH Dakota Fanning), Courtney Cox (seriously, she should have known better)
Director: Peter Hewitt (director of Garfield: The Movie and Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey; what an ass)

The Plot: Do you care? Really? It's another movie in which Tim Allen has to prevent some crisis and learns to value family along the way. The only thing that's different this time is that there isn't so much Santa Clause make-up, he doesn't have to pretend to be some form of canine, and Breslin's not playing an elf. Oh, fine. Tim Allen has to train a bunch of kids to use their superhero powers and save our planet from "imminent destruction." You know, these movies would probably be much more watchable if the imminent destruction was ever something that is actually threatening our planet, like pollution or global war... Naaaah.

My opinion (as if you couldn't tell): The adults are all here for a paycheck, and to make sure their SAG union benefits don't get taken away. Well, Courtney Cox might also be here because she wanted to work on a project her child might actually be allowed to watch. The kids are all here so they can have some credits to their name besides "shampoo commercial." Really, three of the four kids have great hair.

I have to say, Tim Allen (playing Jack Shepard, "Captain Zoom") was really phoning it in this time. It seems even he has realized the idiocy of his career direction, and just doesn't care to make any further attempt at believable delivery of his lines. In fact, I wasn't 100% sure he wasn't reading from a cue card. Rip Torn was boring, but maybe he only seems that way because I recall his performance in Dodgeball, and long for my children to go to sleep so I can watch THAT movie instead. Chevy Chase needed to just go home. Only Courtney Cox seemed to care about making me believe her character (the comic book thing was kind of funny).

The thing that really bugged me, though, is when the youngest child, a very cute little girl, had a nightmare and went to sleep in Zoom's room with him. I know, this movie is supposed to be about becoming a family, but the thing is, it's not appropriate for a child to sleep in the bed of a man who is not her father. And I don't get why nobody SAID as much. I realize the film is trying to sell you on the he's-a-surrogate-dad concept, but I'm not buying that any more than I'm buying Chevy Chase as an idiot-genius or any of the other ridiculous crap that requires suspension of not only disbelief, but all common sense.

My five-year-old didn't like it, although it may have some appeal to a ten-year-old. Lie to your kids and tell them the video store is out of this movie right now. Save your money for something more believable, like Wallace and Grommit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The only part of that movie I liked was where Tim Allen was running through the desert at 300mph, tripped on something and did cartwheels, slid along on his face, etc for probably a mile. That part I liked.

I agree with your review. I think Chevy Chase should be barred from making any more movies. He is just not funny anymore.