Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Kelley and Traci #1

Here at Sleep? What's That?, we are committed to providing a variety of entertainment to you, the three readers who check in on a semi-frequent basis. Today we'd like to present our newest feature, Kelley and Traci: Conversations of Bored Stay-At-Home Moms.

Traci: Hello?

Kelley: Hey, whatcha doing?

Traci: Oh, I’m stuck folding laundry and watching Blues Clues instead of the Today show.

Kelley: Me too. At least they’re rerunning the Steve episodes now.

Traci: I know. I hate the Joe episodes. At least I can still have my Steve fix with the reruns. He’s my favorite eye candy on a kids’ show besides all those Sesame Street guest stars.

Kelley: Oh my God, do you remember when there was, like, this big conflict between the creator of Blues Clues and the network?

Traci: Yeah, I remember hearing Steve Burns made it a point that there was no “conflict,” just creative differences—

Kelley: Which so means a conflict.

Traci: --like how he wanted to do simpler stuff, and Nickelodeon preferred more of the CGI stuff.

Kelley: So the network demoted him from executive producer to creative consultant.

Traci: All while he was still STARRING on the show.

Kelley: Wasn't there some kind of documentary on Nick about how he was going bald and didn't want the kids to know, and that's why he left the show?

Traci: I never saw that, and even if I did, I wouldn't believe it. If he didn't want kids to know he was going bald, why FILM and AIR a public statement about it, especially on the SAME CHANNEL!

Kelley: I can’t believe the guy they got to replace Steve. Joe is butt ugly.

Traci: You’re so wrong. Joe is not butt ugly. He’s just a network puppet, slinging crappy Blues Clues episodes at my last remaining toddler.

Kelley: You’re right, he’s not butt ugly. He’s FUGLY.

Traci: Just because he has that odd face—

Kelley: You just said you hated the Joe episodes.

Traci: Yeah, I do. They suck. But that’s no reason to compare a man’s facial features to his ass-ial features.

Kelley: Did you just say ass-ial?

Traci: Shut up.

Kelley: That’s what I thought. Hey, they’re showing more ads for cleaning products.

Traci: What a surprise.

Kelley: Right? Like, afternoon shows get commercials for ravioli in a can and Spiderman toys, but morning shows?

Traci: Get ads for Swiffers and vacuum cleaners.

Kelley: Speaking of which, have you seen those ads for the Oreck store?

Traci: Yeah. Like anyone’s dog will ever shed that much hair at once.

Kelley: And like you wouldn’t just grab a freaking broom or a roll of duct tape.

Traci: Still, I wonder if the Orecks are any better than the Dysons?

Kelley: Well they can’t possibly be any more expensive than a Dyson.

Traci: Excuse me, but yes they can. The Oreck Titanium is $750.

Kelley: AMERICAN dollars???

Traci: I’m not talking yen.

Kelley: Wow. Even Dyson’s most expensive vacuum is only $600. And you can’t even buy the six hundred dollar model at Target.

Traci: Why do you think Oreck has it’s own store? It’s the Ferrari of vacuum cleaners.

Kelley: So what does that make Dyson? A purple Mustang?

Traci: More of a Camaro. Possibly a Corvette, but that's debatable.

Kelley: And here I was all excited about my Hoover Wind Tunnel bagless, for less than $200.

Traci: Hey, don’t complain. That’s like a souped up Mercury, or something equally street-racer-y.

Kelley: What do you have?

Traci: Drrfll

Kelley: What was that? I couldn’t quite make that out.

Traci: Dirt Devil.

Kelley: You’re kidding.

Traci: WITH a bag.

Kelley: Oh my God. That’s like…

Traci: A Pinto. With a busted radiator. Mr. Saving Up For A Motorcycle won’t hear of an upgrade.

Kelley: What is wrong with your husband?

Traci: Something about not really caring about a little dust, so long as there are no obvious bits of dirt and debris on the carpets.

Kelley: Doesn’t he know those things just blow more dust in the air?

Traci: He’s going to really notice it this year. I’m replacing his over-the-counter allergy pills with white Tic-Tacs.

Kelley: Now who’s wrong?

Traci: Well obviously my husband. He just doesn’t know it yet.

Kelley: Your devious mind never ceases to amaze me.

Traci: That’s what happens when I’m stuck watching Nickelodeon all morning. Good thing Steve is on to soothe my nerves, or I’d be replacing those allergy pills with Ex-Lax.

Kelley: Remember when we were young and talked about wanting a guy who had a motorcycle or a hot car?

Traci: And now we get all hot when a guy is responsible.

Kelley: I know! And drives a minivan!

Traci: And looks like Steve!

Kelley: You need help. Seriously.

2 comments:

Manny said...

Hey, did your husband give you permission to watch TV? I didn't hear any mention of getting dinner ready or preparing to receive his manhood when he walks in the door from a long day at work.....

N said...

First off... Yes, a dog can shed that much all at once. Case in point: Our pet, "Chemo-dog". It would blow your mind.

Secondly, there are vacuum cleaners out there that can cost upwards of $2000! No freakin joke. We've got one that cost us about $1300. Yeah. Ouch.

Blue's Clues with Steve is definitely a superior product to the "Joe" flavored version. Not that I should really know something like that.

Did you base this post on actual phone conversations? I find the usage of the name "Traci" very suspect... ;)