Here at Sleep? What's That?, we are committed to providing a variety of entertainment to you, the three readers who check in on a semi-frequent basis. Today we'd like to present our newest feature, Kelley and Traci: Conversations of Bored Stay-At-Home Moms.
Kelley: Hey, whatcha doing?
Traci: Oh, I’m stuck folding laundry and watching Blues Clues instead of the Today show.
Kelley: Me too. At least they’re rerunning the Steve episodes now.
Traci: I know. I hate the Joe episodes. At least I can still have my Steve fix with the reruns. He’s my favorite eye candy on a kids’ show besides all those Sesame Street guest stars.
Kelley: Oh my God, do you remember when there was, like, this big conflict between the creator of Blues Clues and the network?
Traci: Yeah, I remember hearing Steve Burns made it a point that there was no “conflict,” just creative differences—
Kelley: Which so means a conflict.
Traci: --like how he wanted to do simpler stuff, and Nickelodeon preferred more of the CGI stuff.
Kelley: So the network demoted him from executive producer to creative consultant.
Traci: All while he was still STARRING on the show.
Kelley: Wasn't there some kind of documentary on Nick about how he was going bald and didn't want the kids to know, and that's why he left the show?
Traci: I never saw that, and even if I did, I wouldn't believe it. If he didn't want kids to know he was going bald, why FILM and AIR a public statement about it, especially on the SAME CHANNEL!
Kelley: I can’t believe the guy they got to replace Steve. Joe is butt ugly.
Traci: You’re so wrong. Joe is not butt ugly. He’s just a network puppet, slinging crappy Blues Clues episodes at my last remaining toddler.
Kelley: You’re right, he’s not butt ugly. He’s FUGLY.
Traci: Just because he has that odd face—
Kelley: You just said you hated the Joe episodes.
Traci: Yeah, I do. They suck. But that’s no reason to compare a man’s facial features to his ass-ial features.
Kelley: Did you just say ass-ial?
Traci: Shut up.
Kelley: That’s what I thought. Hey, they’re showing more ads for cleaning products.
Traci: What a surprise.
Kelley: Right? Like, afternoon shows get commercials for ravioli in a can and Spiderman toys, but morning shows?
Traci: Get ads for Swiffers and vacuum cleaners.
Kelley: Speaking of which, have you seen those ads for the Oreck store?
Traci: Yeah. Like anyone’s dog will ever shed that much hair at once.
Kelley: And like you wouldn’t just grab a freaking broom or a roll of duct tape.
Traci: Still, I wonder if the Orecks are any better than the Dysons?
Kelley: Well they can’t possibly be any more expensive than a Dyson.
Traci: Excuse me, but yes they can. The Oreck Titanium is $750.
Kelley: AMERICAN dollars???
Traci: I’m not talking yen.
Kelley: Wow. Even Dyson’s most expensive vacuum is only $600. And you can’t even buy the six hundred dollar model at Target.
Traci: Why do you think Oreck has it’s own store? It’s the Ferrari of vacuum cleaners.
Kelley: So what does that make Dyson? A purple Mustang?
Traci: More of a Camaro. Possibly a Corvette, but that's debatable.
Kelley: And here I was all excited about my Hoover Wind Tunnel bagless, for less than $200.
Traci: Hey, don’t complain. That’s like a souped up Mercury, or something equally street-racer-y.
Kelley: What do you have?
Kelley: What was that? I couldn’t quite make that out.
Traci: Dirt Devil.
Kelley: You’re kidding.
Traci: WITH a bag.
Kelley: Oh my God. That’s like…
Traci: A Pinto. With a busted radiator. Mr. Saving Up For A Motorcycle won’t hear of an upgrade.
Kelley: What is wrong with your husband?
Traci: Something about not really caring about a little dust, so long as there are no obvious bits of dirt and debris on the carpets.
Kelley: Doesn’t he know those things just blow more dust in the air?
Traci: He’s going to really notice it this year. I’m replacing his over-the-counter allergy pills with white Tic-Tacs.
Kelley: Now who’s wrong?
Traci: Well obviously my husband. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Kelley: Your devious mind never ceases to amaze me.
Traci: That’s what happens when I’m stuck watching Nickelodeon all morning. Good thing Steve is on to soothe my nerves, or I’d be replacing those allergy pills with Ex-Lax.
Kelley: Remember when we were young and talked about wanting a guy who had a motorcycle or a hot car?
Traci: And now we get all hot when a guy is responsible.
Kelley: I know! And drives a minivan!
Traci: And looks like Steve!
Kelley: You need help. Seriously.