Thursday, October 18, 2007

How To Annoy Your Loved Ones and Make Them Not Want to Help You

  1. Get into a relationship with and eventually marry a loser who lies, cheats on you, and makes you feel bad about yourself.
  2. Move this loser in with you, into a home that your family is providing for you.
  3. Keep having kids with the guy, even though he obviously doesn't really want to help you take care of them.
  4. Don't give him any real consequences when he stays out until 4 in the morning.
  5. Keep asking your family for money the whole time, since he obviously isn't providing enough.
  6. When your family does give you money, spend it on stupid stuff that you don't need.
  7. Lie unconvincingly to everyone, including yourself, about the loser's nocturnal habits.
  8. Accumulate tons of circumstantial evidence that he's cheating, and talk about it with friends and family, but never do anything about it.
  9. Tell him you're kicking him out, but let him back into the house anyway because you're too busy trying to be civil to realize that what you need to do is let your anger work for you and make him understand that you're serious.
  10. Keep having sex with him, even though you suspect he's cheating.
  11. Do this for five years.
  12. Kick him out when you finally have "concrete" proof of infidelity (as in a third party calls your house asking for his mistress, preferably over a legal matter).
  13. Now that you're a single mother, don't even start looking for a job for at least two months.
  14. Complain that you have to be in the MOOD to find a job.
  15. Tell your parents not to give you any money so that you'll get off your ass and get a job, and then complain when they won't give you any money.
  16. Rely on your parents for everying that food stamps won't pay for, like electricity and toilet paper.
  17. Complain that you can't get a job unless you get a car.
  18. Complain about why public transportation is a terribly inconvenient way to travel, and that you'd be able to do everything you need to do if you just had a car.
  19. Forget that when your parents gave you money before you kicked your husband out, you HAD enough for a used car. In fact, forget that they gave you money.
  20. Beg your sister to buy things for your kids or to move in and help you with bills, even though she's told you "no" many times.
  21. Ask for free babysitting from your sick mother, your friends with kids of their own, and your in-laws. Ask for it all the time. And during the time they are babysitting, use that time to search for jobs you know you don't want and can't (or won't) accept.
  22. Don't make up your mind about whether you want your husband to come home or not.
  23. Take FOREVER to file a child support claim against him. In fact, wait until he's not working anymore. Because then you'll get some money.
  24. When you speak to your husband, demand that he buy you a car. Because that's going to happen when he's not working. (He may buy a car, actually, but I promise you that his mistress is paying for it.)
  25. Complain to your friends and family that he won't hurry up and buy you a car, and that he should be buying you a car.
  26. Act like you're the only single mother of three in the world, when in fact you're not even the only one in your neighborhood.
  27. Yell at your children constantly, and then complain to your would-be babysitters that the two-year-old is always screaming.
  28. Act surprised and upset when your mother doesn't want to babysit your hellcat children after being hospitalized for heart problems.
  29. Ask people for favors that you know PERFECTLY WELL conflict with their own schedules.
  30. Interrupt your friends and family with constant phone calls, also during times that conflict with their routine.
  31. Cry that you need help and you don't understand why nobody wants to help you.

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