How To Annoy Your Loved Ones and Make Them Not Want to Help You

1. Get into a relationship with and eventually marry a loser who lies, cheats on you, and makes you feel bad about yourself.
2. Move this loser in with you, into a home that your family is providing for you.
3. Keep having kids with the guy, even though he obviously doesn't really want to help you take care of them.
4. Don't give him any real consequences when he stays out until 4 in the morning.
5. Keep asking your family for money the whole time, since he obviously isn't providing enough.
6. When your family does give you money, spend it on stupid stuff that you don't need.
7. Lie unconvincingly to everyone, including yourself, about the loser's nocturnal habits.
8. Accumulate tons of circumstantial evidence that he's cheating, and talk about it with friends and family, but never do anything about it.
9. Tell him you're kicking him out, but let him back into the house anyway because you're too busy trying to be civil to realize that what you need to do is let your anger work for you and make him understand that you're serious.
10. Keep having sex with him, even though you suspect he's cheating.
11. Do this for five years.
12. Kick him out when you finally have "concrete" proof of infidelity (as in a third party calls your house asking for his mistress, preferably over a legal matter).
13. Now that you're a single mother, don't even start looking for a job for at least two months.
14. Complain that you have to be in the MOOD to find a job.
15. Tell your parents not to give you any money so that you'll get off your ass and get a job, and then complain when they won't give you any money.
16. Rely on your parents for everying that food stamps won't pay for, like electricity and toilet paper.
17. Complain that you can't get a job unless you get a car.
18. Complain about why public transportation is a terribly inconvenient way to travel, and that you'd be able to do everything you need to do if you just had a car.
19. Forget that when your parents gave you money before you kicked your husband out, you HAD enough for a used car. In fact, forget that they gave you money.
20. Beg your sister to buy things for your kids or to move in and help you with bills, even though she's told you "no" many times.
21. Ask for free babysitting from your sick mother, your friends with kids of their own, and your in-laws. Ask for it all the time. And during the time they are babysitting, use that time to search for jobs you know you don't want and can't (or won't) accept.
22. Don't make up your mind about whether you want your husband to come home or not.
23. Take FOREVER to file a child support claim against him. In fact, wait until he's not working anymore. Because then you'll get some money.
24. When you speak to your husband, demand that he buy you a car. Because that's going to happen when he's not working. (He may buy a car, actually, but I promise you that his mistress is paying for it.)
25. Complain to your friends and family that he won't hurry up and buy you a car, and that he should be buying you a car.
26. Act like you're the only single mother of three in the world, when in fact you're not even the only one in your neighborhood.
27. Yell at your children constantly, and then complain to your would-be babysitters that the two-year-old is always screaming.
28. Act surprised and upset when your mother doesn't want to babysit your hellcat children after being hospitalized for heart problems.
29. Ask people for favors that you know PERFECTLY WELL conflict with their own schedules.
30. Interrupt your friends and family with constant phone calls, also during times that conflict with their routine.
31. Cry that you need help and you don't understand why nobody wants to help you.

"How To" Series

I'm pleased to introduce a new feature here at "Sleep? What's That?" Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the How To series, in which I discuss creative solutions to problems both abnormal and mundane.

Today's topic:
How To Get a Glue Trap Off a Toddler's Bare Foot

1. If the trap is also stuck to something else, get that thing off first. Rip that sucker off, but be sure not to yank the child's leg when you do this. Also, if the glue trap is also stuck to the floor, please remember to maintain a firm grip on the toddler's ankle, but DO NOT pull by the leg. Pull from the edge of the glue trap.
2. Carry your toddler to the kitchen sink. No, not the bathroom, trust me on this, everything you'll need will be in the kitchen. Sit your child on the countertop with his/her feet in the sink.
3. Press record on your video camera.
4. Pour some cooking oil (preferably the cheapest stuff you have) onto the foot. Using a back and forth motion with your finger, work the oil between the sole of the foot and the glue trap to separate them. Be gentle, and do not try to yank the trap off, lest you take some of your child's skin off. Continue applying oil as needed. Once you have completely removed the trap and discarded it, there may still be a large amount of glue remaining on the foot. Proceed with steps 5 through 9.
5. Using a clean hand or utensil, scoop out a handful of smooth peanut butter and apply it to your child's foot. Using your hands only, rub the peanut butter onto the glue. You may need to scrape some of it off, so use either a fingernail (please not a sharp one) or a spoon.
6. If the peanut butter method still has not removed all the glue, move on to very warm water and dish soap. Be careful with your water temperature, lest you cause skin burns. Once again, scraping will likely be necessary.
7. If, after the soapy water method, you still have not removed all the glue, just use a DRY spoon and fingernails.
8. If you still cannot get all the glue off, you might try rubbing the glue with an ice cube. Be aware, your child will scream. Once the glue is hardened by the cold, it should respond to scraping with more of a flaking reaction.
9. If that doesn't work, please take your child to the emergency room. Don't forget to take the video camera.
10. Call your exterminator and demand a refund, especially if you noticed teeth marks or rodent hair but no actual rodents on the glue trap in the first place.