I wrote this last summer and never published it. After dusting it off and shining it up a bit, I thought I'd share it with you.
Traci: Did you watch HGTV this morning?
Kelley: Yeah, the kids actually took a nap, so I had the TV to myself.
Traci: Oh my god, did you SEE that hideous room they redid on Decorating Cents?
Kelley: You mean the perfectly classy dining room with dark walnut stained antique furniture and beautiful windows?
Traci: Yes! And they put up that awful wallpaper!
Kelley: And the purple paint on the other wall!
Traci: I can't believe she painted those chairs white!
Kelley: And covered those gorgeous windows with those awful floral curtains!
Traci: The sconces!
Kelley: The PURPLE in a FORMAL DINING ROOM!
Traci: I swear, every time they redo a room on that show, it's like they don't even listen to what the homeowner wants.
Kelley: I could ask for Whimsical Modern, and they'd still do my living room in Country Moron Grandmother on Crystal Meth. In a dull purple.
Traci: You know that's why they didn't show the homeowner pre-interview and reaction shots. Clearly the lady of the house hated it.
Kelley: Damn skippy... So, did you watch High School Musical 2 last week?
Traci: So help me God, I did. My daughters have been talking about it nonstop for months.
Kelley: I wasn't too impressed by the songs. You?
Traci: I just wanted all those boys to cut their damn hair. Especially Zac Efron. Dude is starting to look gay.
Kelley: And I hear Hannah Montana was in the movie too?
Traci: There's nothing quite like an online election determining which kid from another idiot show should appear on a new idiot show.
Kelley: Democracy in action, honey.
Traci: Seriously, what is with all these stupid live action shows on Disney and Nickelodeon? It's like nobody in the entire cast of characters knows how to behave with anything that resembles common sense.
Kelley: I know! I had to sit through an episode of Suite Life, and I was completely floored when the hotel manager not only took the suggestion of a pair of 12-year-old boys, but allowed them to RUN an UNDERAGE NIGHTCLUB.
Traci: And what about That's So Raven? What the hell is wrong with those people?
Kelley: Don't get me started on that show. Raven doesn't even have the excuse of playing a preteen with no life experience. Her character is in high school; surely she's old enough to know that dressing in a disguise won't fool your own parents.
Traci: I tell you, if it weren't for HGTV, I'd completely lose my shit. That channel keeps me sane.
Kelley: You know, you should really read more books.
Traci: Like I have money for that.
Kelley: Library's free, hon.
Traci: Gas isn't, and the library's too far to walk.
Kelley: You can't ask your kid to grab a book for you at the school library?
Traci: You know that conservative-prick district only keeps censor-approved books. How am I going to get my chic-lit fix there?
Kelley: Okay, that is it, I am lending you my Vonnegut. You need to broaden those horizons.
Traci: I might be better off borrowing your How-To-Make-Beautiful-Decor-Out-Of-Cheap-Shit-From-The-Dollar-Store book.
Kelley: I don't have a-- oh, I get it. Your man still saving up for that motorcycle?
Traci: No, now he's saving up for a Wii.
Kelley: A wee? What?
Traci: You know, a Wii.
Kelley: He's getting penis enhancement surgery?
Traci: No! Although that wouldn't be a bad idea. No, I mean he's saving up for the new Nintendo Wii game system.
Kelley: Is that, like, a little bitty game system?
Traci: Now you're just being silly.
Kelley: Yes, I am. So you're telling me he hasn't even saved up enough for a video game system?
Traci: No, the game system is only $250 or something, and the games are $50. I'm saying he finally got the hint that we needed to spend some money on a family vacation now, before our kids get too sarcastic to take anywhere nice.
Kelley: Wow, how'd you manage that?
Traci: I sent The Girl to a day camp this summer, and we got a call from the counselor about behavior issues. I asked her to call my husband at work and tell him exactly what our daughter said and did. He came home and yelled for a while, and then I patiently explained to him that if he didn't spend some Quality Time with her, he should expect the rudeness directed at him soon, and completely without remorse from The Girl.
Kelley: So where'd you go?
Traci: Camping. There's nothing to make you appreciate all the cool places you normally get to go like dragging your family to the middle of nowhere with no showers or electricity and only one tent for shelter. I told The Girl that if she didn't shape up and lose the attitude, I'd take her camping once or twice a month to the same spot with no amenities.
Kelley: What if she likes camping?
Traci: Are you kidding? The whole week was "I'm hot, I'm icky, I feel gross, I hate crapping in the special camping toilet, why can't we go eat at McDonald's, what do you mean we have to skin this squirrel for dinner?" The minute I threatened to extend our trip, she shut her mouth completely.
Kelley: You, madame, are an evil genius.
Traci: I call it creative parenting.