Most women, at one point or another in their lives, will be heard uttering something along the lines of "Men are such pigs," or "All men are dogs," or "Men are disgusting, with the burping and the passing gas and the general uncleanliness." Mostly these are reactions to something occuring at the moment or to an annoying habit. But today I am determined to find out: just how disgusting in general are men, really?
It began when I sent Bizarro Dad out to feed our puppies (now five weeks old). I prepared their mash of puppy formula and canned Iams in a bowl and sent the husband out with instructions to give them their food in THIS bowl and retrieve the OTHER bowl from yesterday so I could wash it.
Bizarro Dad stared at me for 30 seconds with wide, incredulous eyes.
Me: Have I given you instructions that you don't understand?
Him: You feed those puppies... in our SOUP BOWLS?
This is, of course, absolutely ridiculous. I don't drop the puppies in the bowl to feed them. They eat FROM the soup bowl. But "soup bowl" is the material point I must address.
Me: I wash the bowls, dear. With soap, even. It's fine.
Him: (beginning to smile) But they use their TONGUES.
Me: (smiling back) Their mouths are probably cleaner than ours, honey.
Him: I doubt that. They lick themselves.
Me: So what? You'd probably lick yourself if you could.
At this the husband stops, turns, and looks right at me.
Him: No. I would NOT lick myself. That is disgusting.
Me: Don't be silly. Any man would lick himself if he could.
Naturally a brief fake argument ensued, interrupted when I shut the door between us so he would go feed the ass-licking puppies already. But it made me wonder:
Would men actually lick themselves if they could? Even once, just to try it? Anonymous replies are welcome.