Friday, February 17, 2006

Insomniac Movie Review: Zathura

Title: Zathura
Plot: Jumanji, only in space, and with different kids who fight more

Let me start by saying that I really do love children, and I would never harm a child.

But the kids in this movie? I just wanted to throttle every single one of them. Yes, even the little one who was all cute and cuddly and "innocent and wronged."

Why? How could a movie make me so infuriated that I wanted to reach through the screen and shake the crap out of innocent children?

Well...I suppose because the kids spent too much time fighting and bickering about stupid stuff instead of doing what the heck they knew they needed to do. I mean, seriously, Youngest Child, how many times do you need it repeated to you that if you don't take your turn and finish the game, the Vorgons will chase you forever, you'll run out of food, and you'll never see your mom or dad again? How many times!? Turn the stupid key and push the damn button already!

And Older Brother. You, just like your brother said, are a d***. Yeah, that's right, I said it. You're a selfish brat and I don't like you. Well, I suppose you redeem yourself as the movie comes to a close, but that's to be expected. Screenwriters have to do that nowadays. But still. You're a jerk. Also: when a turn has ended and you find yourself having to run for it, grab the freaking game and take it with you when you leave the room! You know you're going to need it. That movie would seriously have been 20 minutes mercifully shorter if it weren't for all the "Wait-a-minute-where-did-we-leave-the-game-oh-no-it's-in-another-room-we-have-to-get-it-but-there-are-flesh-eating-aliens-in-there."

Let's not forget Older Sister. Dear stupid irresponsible dumba$$ Older Sister. Your dad leaves you in charge of two young children, and you just pull up the covers and stay in your room? Who do you think you are, their mother? No, honey. You are the babysitter. For better or worse, you are in charge of two squabbling children who have a habit of inflicting insults and psychological torture on each other. Get your lazy assets out of bed and supervise. Or at least, if you can't be bothered to get out of bed, leave the headphones off so that you can hear things like screams of terror, or a smoke alarm, or the whole house launching into space, NOT TO MENTION BEING CHASED, FIRED UPON, AND BOARDED BY ALIENS. Seriously, some people need to grow some brains before being placed in charge of kids.

Okay, now that I'm done with that, to the questions:

Was the movie any good? If you liked Jumanji, or if you thought it would be better if it took place in space, you'd probably like Zathura. I will admit to liking some parts of this film. I can't recall what those parts were at the moment, as I've been suffering from a migraine for the past three or four days, but I do remember a feeling of satisfaction once the movie was over. Wait, maybe I was just glad it was finally over. Well, I'm not risking another migraine to find out.

Should you watch it? It's kind of fun to watch with your kids, if you don't mind letting them watch explosions (no guns, just stuff blowing up). But if you don't have young 'uns around to enjoy it, thereby helping you enjoy it? Yeah, not so much. It's mostly infuriating.

2 comments:

Chaotic Mom said...

Wow. I wasn't sure I wanted to watch the movie before, don't feel the need to now. But it sounds like the boys would like it. Need to add it to my Netflix list now...

Cowboy said...

I was actually considering checking this out. I'll do it with lower expectations now...